Just a token post to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and to let it be known that I still have not officially declared this blog dead and that I plan to continue letting it slowly wither on the vine until I literally do not have a single reader left. (and I'm oh so tantalizingly close now . . .) Basically, I'm in search of the day where I can write an eloquent post intimating that I have discovered the truth about myself - that I am actually a small colony of meerkats in a man costume - and not get one post or comment indicating anything out of the norm.
Not a whole lot going on right now. The Holidays were of course eventful and hectic as they always are. And as expected no one enjoyed Christmas more than Anabelle, but I'll let Christy take care of those details on her blog. On Christmas Eve I had victory within my grasp but fell a few rolls short in the annual Risk game. Damn those Alaskans and their pesky defenses!
In semi-intellectual pursuits I am currently reading Republic Lost, a new book about corruption in politics and the need for campaign finance reform. Here's one quote that I've found particularly interesting so far:
"The Republican party is now facing a great crisis. It is to decide whether it will be, as in the days of Lincoln, the party of the plain people, the party of progress, the party of social and industrial justice; or whether it will be the party of privilege and of special interests, the heir to those who were Lincoln's most bitter opponents, and the party that represents the great interests within and without Wall Street which desire through their control over the servants of the public to be kept immune from punishment when they do wrong and to be given privileges to which they are not entitled."
I think that sounds like a pretty apt description and criticism of the Republican party today, except that this quote was said by Teddy Roosevelt almost 100 years ago (April 1912). The more things change . . .
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Sweetness
I just finished reading Sweetness, the new biography on Walter Payton. It's become somewhat controversial because, as you would expect from the first truly definitive biography, it dares to show Walter Payton as (gasp) an actual human being and not some larger than life persona who could do no wrong.
As a beloved figure in the sports world and particularly in Chicago, I suppose that this is inevitable. People do not like to have their idols torn down. And there definitely is something special about Payton. If you go to the Bears game this weekend you will still see a lot of people wearing Walter Payton jerseys. There will be a smattering of Singletary, Ditka, Butkus, and maybe even Sayers jerseys but I suspect that after Urlacher, Cutler, and Hester (all current players) that far and away the most popular jersey you'll see is Payton, despite the fact that he played his last game nearly 24 years ago.
So does the book really tarnish his image? I would say that it does. While the positives outweigh the negatives by an unbelievably wide margin, a couple of the negatives are pretty damning. Supposedly, Payton popped painkillers like they were candy. That's not terribly surprising given the amount of punishment his body took. He also suffered from terrible bouts of depression after he retired. Also not surprising, given that many athletes suffer through similar issues and what we now know about the damage caused by repetitive blows to the head. Then there is the philandering. Supposedly Payton could rival Wilt Chamberlain in that category. But of course as a professional athlete, that type of behavior is certainly not out of the norm. So all of those are revelatory, but not altogether shocking. The big bombshell (at least as far as I'm concerned) is that he fathered an illegitimate child and then completely ignored him. Literally never saw him once, despite the fact that until Payton's death he never lived more than 30 miles away from him. He did financially support him and the mother whenever they asked for it, but I view that more as self-interest since he wanted to make sure she didn't run to the press about it.
I have found the reaction to these revelations to be very interesting. Mike Ditka said (about the author) that he would "spit on him" if he ever saw him, despite the fact that he cooperated on the book. And Ron Rivera (his former teammate) has said "It’s unfortunate somebody wrote a book and throws that kind of light on somebody who's not here to defend himself." So keep in mind that neither of these people are suggesting that what is revealed in the book isn't true, just that it shouldn't be written about. That's a head-scratcher to me. So if we wish to write something negative about someone, we are limited to only doing it while they are alive? Once they are gone, we should limit ourselves only to a person's positive aspects? If so, I'd be very interested to read the Ron Rivera version of Hitler's life.
I have always been of the belief that it is never wrong to speak the truth. There are times when, in the interests of politeness or conflict avoidance, it may be better to lie, but I still would never fault anyone for telling the truth. I've always thought that one of the big motivators to leading a good and moral life was so that the memory of that would live on in the people that you affected. But if everyone's going to remember you in a good light anyway after you die, I guess you might as well just act like a selfish jackass.
Really though, I do understand the reaction. It reminds me of a Simpsons episode. Lisa uncovers some terrible truths about the town's founder, Jebediah Springfield. In the end, she decides not to reveal what she found to the townspeople because she says that the memory and legacy of Jebediah Springfield has value too, and she didn't want to take that away from people even though Jebediah himself didn't deserve to be beloved. I suppose it is the same here. Walter Payton wronged some people, and he deserved to have those truths exposed. But the people who admired and respected him probably didn't deserve to have that taken from them.
As I said, on the other side of these revelations are all the things that were truly incredible about Payton's life. His work ethic was unbelievable - it literally would be impossible to overstate his commitment to keeping himself in peak shape. There are also dozens of stories (and, according to the author, literally hundreds more that were didn't make it into the book) about Payton going out of his for one of his fans. It's not just that he would agree to meet a sick child that happened to be on the same airplane with him, he'd sit down and talk to him for half an hour. He's agree to make an appearance somewhere and speak for 10 minutes, and then he'd stick around for 4 hours and just talk to everyone. In an age of diva star athletes, that's really refreshing. And of course the way that he approached the end of his life can only be described as extremely courageous. Once he made the decision to go public about his disease, he didn't hide from it or from anyone. He just continued to go about his business, giving speeches, meeting his fans, catching up with old friends and teammates - all the way until he no longer physically could.
In the end, I still have a lot of great memories of watching Sweetness play for the Bears. He's one of the main reasons I became a Bears fan in the first place. I have even more respect for him as a football player than I ever have, and I truly believe that, taken as a whole, he was the greatest running back of all time. After reading this, though, I'd have to say that I won't think of him in quite the same way ever again. But you know what, that's ok. I'd rather have the truth.
As a beloved figure in the sports world and particularly in Chicago, I suppose that this is inevitable. People do not like to have their idols torn down. And there definitely is something special about Payton. If you go to the Bears game this weekend you will still see a lot of people wearing Walter Payton jerseys. There will be a smattering of Singletary, Ditka, Butkus, and maybe even Sayers jerseys but I suspect that after Urlacher, Cutler, and Hester (all current players) that far and away the most popular jersey you'll see is Payton, despite the fact that he played his last game nearly 24 years ago.
So does the book really tarnish his image? I would say that it does. While the positives outweigh the negatives by an unbelievably wide margin, a couple of the negatives are pretty damning. Supposedly, Payton popped painkillers like they were candy. That's not terribly surprising given the amount of punishment his body took. He also suffered from terrible bouts of depression after he retired. Also not surprising, given that many athletes suffer through similar issues and what we now know about the damage caused by repetitive blows to the head. Then there is the philandering. Supposedly Payton could rival Wilt Chamberlain in that category. But of course as a professional athlete, that type of behavior is certainly not out of the norm. So all of those are revelatory, but not altogether shocking. The big bombshell (at least as far as I'm concerned) is that he fathered an illegitimate child and then completely ignored him. Literally never saw him once, despite the fact that until Payton's death he never lived more than 30 miles away from him. He did financially support him and the mother whenever they asked for it, but I view that more as self-interest since he wanted to make sure she didn't run to the press about it.
I have found the reaction to these revelations to be very interesting. Mike Ditka said (about the author) that he would "spit on him" if he ever saw him, despite the fact that he cooperated on the book. And Ron Rivera (his former teammate) has said "It’s unfortunate somebody wrote a book and throws that kind of light on somebody who's not here to defend himself." So keep in mind that neither of these people are suggesting that what is revealed in the book isn't true, just that it shouldn't be written about. That's a head-scratcher to me. So if we wish to write something negative about someone, we are limited to only doing it while they are alive? Once they are gone, we should limit ourselves only to a person's positive aspects? If so, I'd be very interested to read the Ron Rivera version of Hitler's life.
I have always been of the belief that it is never wrong to speak the truth. There are times when, in the interests of politeness or conflict avoidance, it may be better to lie, but I still would never fault anyone for telling the truth. I've always thought that one of the big motivators to leading a good and moral life was so that the memory of that would live on in the people that you affected. But if everyone's going to remember you in a good light anyway after you die, I guess you might as well just act like a selfish jackass.
Really though, I do understand the reaction. It reminds me of a Simpsons episode. Lisa uncovers some terrible truths about the town's founder, Jebediah Springfield. In the end, she decides not to reveal what she found to the townspeople because she says that the memory and legacy of Jebediah Springfield has value too, and she didn't want to take that away from people even though Jebediah himself didn't deserve to be beloved. I suppose it is the same here. Walter Payton wronged some people, and he deserved to have those truths exposed. But the people who admired and respected him probably didn't deserve to have that taken from them.
As I said, on the other side of these revelations are all the things that were truly incredible about Payton's life. His work ethic was unbelievable - it literally would be impossible to overstate his commitment to keeping himself in peak shape. There are also dozens of stories (and, according to the author, literally hundreds more that were didn't make it into the book) about Payton going out of his for one of his fans. It's not just that he would agree to meet a sick child that happened to be on the same airplane with him, he'd sit down and talk to him for half an hour. He's agree to make an appearance somewhere and speak for 10 minutes, and then he'd stick around for 4 hours and just talk to everyone. In an age of diva star athletes, that's really refreshing. And of course the way that he approached the end of his life can only be described as extremely courageous. Once he made the decision to go public about his disease, he didn't hide from it or from anyone. He just continued to go about his business, giving speeches, meeting his fans, catching up with old friends and teammates - all the way until he no longer physically could.
In the end, I still have a lot of great memories of watching Sweetness play for the Bears. He's one of the main reasons I became a Bears fan in the first place. I have even more respect for him as a football player than I ever have, and I truly believe that, taken as a whole, he was the greatest running back of all time. After reading this, though, I'd have to say that I won't think of him in quite the same way ever again. But you know what, that's ok. I'd rather have the truth.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Happy Halloween
Baseball finally, mercifully, ends tonight. Which means that after tonight I can finally start thinking about . . . the next baseball season. The baseball season is dead; long live the baseball season! Oh, and have I mentioned before that I hate the Cardinals? The kind of burning, searing hatred that you could really cook a nice steak on.
Even though Halloween isn't till Monday, this is still the official honorary Halloween party weekend. Come to think of it, what's so sacred about October 31st? Can't we just say that Halloween is the last Saturday in October? I mean, if we can do it for Easter, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Memorial Day, and MLK Day why can't we do it here? This sounds like the kind of pointless and trivial endeavor that I could really get behind. What cities and/or streets do I have to occupy to get this done?
This year the Delaney household isn't too geared up for Halloween. It's kind of an odd age for Anabelle. She's not yet old enough to really get into the idea of dressing up as something (well, for more than 30 seconds at a time) but she's old enough to rebel against anything we try to dress her up as. She has a cow costume and she tolerates that well, with the exception that she won't wear the bell and isn't too keen on the hood either. In any case, Christy and I will be off to Phil and Liz's 2nd annual Halloween Party tomorrow night. We're trying to come up with a coordinated outfit that incorporates her pregnancy; so far the best we've come up with is Christy being an 8-ball and me being a pool cue. Not sure if that's what we're going to end up with though.
I have been lamenting the lack of good scary movies this Halloween season. For the last 6 years we've always at least had a Saw film. Even though they haven't been any good since 2 it was at least something dependable. Now we're getting annual Paranormal Activity movies and they're just not doing it for me. I saw the first one and thought it was decent but that it was really just an extension of the Blair Witch concept and there's a definite "been there, done that" vibe for me. Even though it's not really horror (more horror spoof) I would like to give a very hearty recommendation to Dale and Tucker vs. Evil. It's a really funny and interesting take on the whole "college kids go to a cabin in the woods and run into a couple rednecks" horror cliche. The studio did this really awkward release with it where it was available on-demand before it got a limited release in theatres. It's still available On-Demand and at Amazon, or you can wait till it's released on DVD/Blu at the end of November. I would urge you not to watch the trailer though; it gives away way too much. And for any of you Serenity/Firefly fans out there, all you really need to know is that it stars Alan Tudyk (aka Wash).
And finally, on Monday this blog will officially be 5-years-old! Wow, it seems like just yesterday I was bringing it home from the blogosphere and it was typing its first words. How time flies! Pretty much the only thing that hasn't changed since then is my place of employment, but I'm working on that.
Even though Halloween isn't till Monday, this is still the official honorary Halloween party weekend. Come to think of it, what's so sacred about October 31st? Can't we just say that Halloween is the last Saturday in October? I mean, if we can do it for Easter, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Memorial Day, and MLK Day why can't we do it here? This sounds like the kind of pointless and trivial endeavor that I could really get behind. What cities and/or streets do I have to occupy to get this done?
This year the Delaney household isn't too geared up for Halloween. It's kind of an odd age for Anabelle. She's not yet old enough to really get into the idea of dressing up as something (well, for more than 30 seconds at a time) but she's old enough to rebel against anything we try to dress her up as. She has a cow costume and she tolerates that well, with the exception that she won't wear the bell and isn't too keen on the hood either. In any case, Christy and I will be off to Phil and Liz's 2nd annual Halloween Party tomorrow night. We're trying to come up with a coordinated outfit that incorporates her pregnancy; so far the best we've come up with is Christy being an 8-ball and me being a pool cue. Not sure if that's what we're going to end up with though.
I have been lamenting the lack of good scary movies this Halloween season. For the last 6 years we've always at least had a Saw film. Even though they haven't been any good since 2 it was at least something dependable. Now we're getting annual Paranormal Activity movies and they're just not doing it for me. I saw the first one and thought it was decent but that it was really just an extension of the Blair Witch concept and there's a definite "been there, done that" vibe for me. Even though it's not really horror (more horror spoof) I would like to give a very hearty recommendation to Dale and Tucker vs. Evil. It's a really funny and interesting take on the whole "college kids go to a cabin in the woods and run into a couple rednecks" horror cliche. The studio did this really awkward release with it where it was available on-demand before it got a limited release in theatres. It's still available On-Demand and at Amazon, or you can wait till it's released on DVD/Blu at the end of November. I would urge you not to watch the trailer though; it gives away way too much. And for any of you Serenity/Firefly fans out there, all you really need to know is that it stars Alan Tudyk (aka Wash).
And finally, on Monday this blog will officially be 5-years-old! Wow, it seems like just yesterday I was bringing it home from the blogosphere and it was typing its first words. How time flies! Pretty much the only thing that hasn't changed since then is my place of employment, but I'm working on that.
Friday, October 07, 2011
My New Children's Book: Curious Hank and the Bad Simile
This story is going to be remembered this way: Hank Williams Jr. compared Obama to Hitler and ESPN fired him for it. It's a perfect microcosm of our news media today: succinct, sensationalized, and completely inaccurate.
First of all I'll put my linguistics/grammar hat on and analyze what HW Jr actually said. He said that Obama and Boehner playing golf together "would be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu." So let's parse this down. Suppose that instead of using this poorly conceived wording, he had instead opted to say "Obama and Boehner is like oil and water." Would we then expect the headline to read "HW Jr. Calls Obama Oil". No; that would be nonsensical. But it's just as nonsensical here. The "point" he was trying to make is that Obama and Biden are the enemy and "our guy" (Boehner) should not be fraternizing with the enemy.
The reason it is important to draw this distinction is that when this becomes a "dumb celebrity says dumb thing" story, it completely buries the real issue here. And that's the fact that we have a large contingent of people in this country who believe what HW Jr believes: that Obama and Biden are not political adversaries that need to be engaged, persuaded, and/or voted out, but that they are enemies that need to be alienated and eradicated. Such is the political climate in this country right now. It was not created by the media but they have certainly done their best to stoke the flames. Thus, I did not want to see an apology from HW Jr. for the Hitler comment; I could care less about that. I want an acknowledgement that people on the other side of the political spectrum are not "enemies".
Shockingly, I'm going to make a sports analogy here. My team is the Bears. Every Sunday I want them to beat the living crap out of their opponents. I will get angry when my team loses, and in the middle of the game I don't have fond feelings for the other team. But once the game is over I don't balk when I see players from both teams shake hands and maybe hug in the middle of the field. The game's over, there are winners and losers, and you move on. So it should be in politics. You fight, you win/lose, you shake hands and move on. Opponents today may be allies the next and vice versa. You're not enemies; just on different teams.
The "HW Jr" mentality isn't like that though; it's more akin to gang warfare. You're wearing the wrong colors and therefore you're my enemy and I hope you die. It's sad because politicians generally DO have the NFL and not the gang mentality. You would hope that when the public sees politicians on different sides of the aisle socializing together that it would dawn on them that "hey, they just disagree; they don't actually hate each other." Sadly, that doesn't happen. Politicians could do a lot to help their own cause by placing a lot more emphasis on stating that they are attacking a position and not a person. Yeah, I don't see that happening either.
Now we come to the 2nd part of the story, which is that HW Jr got fired from ESPN as a result of his comments. I've already written about this kind of thing numerous times on here so I won't harp too much. But it's absolutely ridiculous that someone loses their job over something like this. He wasn't on the air representing ESPN, or the NFL, or anyone other than himself. Yeah, it's not technically a violation of his free speech rights since the government isn't doing anything to him, but it's still a croc. It's becoming a de facto law that what you say in public cannot contradict the position of your employer. That's just very dangerous, especially considering that the definition of "in public" is expanding by the day.
First of all I'll put my linguistics/grammar hat on and analyze what HW Jr actually said. He said that Obama and Boehner playing golf together "would be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu." So let's parse this down. Suppose that instead of using this poorly conceived wording, he had instead opted to say "Obama and Boehner is like oil and water." Would we then expect the headline to read "HW Jr. Calls Obama Oil". No; that would be nonsensical. But it's just as nonsensical here. The "point" he was trying to make is that Obama and Biden are the enemy and "our guy" (Boehner) should not be fraternizing with the enemy.
The reason it is important to draw this distinction is that when this becomes a "dumb celebrity says dumb thing" story, it completely buries the real issue here. And that's the fact that we have a large contingent of people in this country who believe what HW Jr believes: that Obama and Biden are not political adversaries that need to be engaged, persuaded, and/or voted out, but that they are enemies that need to be alienated and eradicated. Such is the political climate in this country right now. It was not created by the media but they have certainly done their best to stoke the flames. Thus, I did not want to see an apology from HW Jr. for the Hitler comment; I could care less about that. I want an acknowledgement that people on the other side of the political spectrum are not "enemies".
Shockingly, I'm going to make a sports analogy here. My team is the Bears. Every Sunday I want them to beat the living crap out of their opponents. I will get angry when my team loses, and in the middle of the game I don't have fond feelings for the other team. But once the game is over I don't balk when I see players from both teams shake hands and maybe hug in the middle of the field. The game's over, there are winners and losers, and you move on. So it should be in politics. You fight, you win/lose, you shake hands and move on. Opponents today may be allies the next and vice versa. You're not enemies; just on different teams.
The "HW Jr" mentality isn't like that though; it's more akin to gang warfare. You're wearing the wrong colors and therefore you're my enemy and I hope you die. It's sad because politicians generally DO have the NFL and not the gang mentality. You would hope that when the public sees politicians on different sides of the aisle socializing together that it would dawn on them that "hey, they just disagree; they don't actually hate each other." Sadly, that doesn't happen. Politicians could do a lot to help their own cause by placing a lot more emphasis on stating that they are attacking a position and not a person. Yeah, I don't see that happening either.
Now we come to the 2nd part of the story, which is that HW Jr got fired from ESPN as a result of his comments. I've already written about this kind of thing numerous times on here so I won't harp too much. But it's absolutely ridiculous that someone loses their job over something like this. He wasn't on the air representing ESPN, or the NFL, or anyone other than himself. Yeah, it's not technically a violation of his free speech rights since the government isn't doing anything to him, but it's still a croc. It's becoming a de facto law that what you say in public cannot contradict the position of your employer. That's just very dangerous, especially considering that the definition of "in public" is expanding by the day.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
A Revelation
I had an epiphany the other day. Not one of those life-changing, re-evaluate the value of your existence kind of things. More along the lines of a random observation of something quite trivial that nonetheless immediately struck me as true.
You know how disco music is instantly recognizable as "disco"? There is just something about the drum and bass lines that scream the mid-70s. Even if you've never heard the song before and know nothing about it, you'd instantly know when it was from within a margin of error of 2-3 years. Similarly, when you hear those horrible synthesizers masquerading as real instruments you instantly know that it's from the 80s. And with both of those, there is always this question (at least in my mind) of "did people ever really think this sounded good?" Don't get me wrong, I enjoy 80s pop songs, but it's almost all on a level akin to bad movie enjoyment. It's like, "wow this sounds so ridiculous that it makes me smile so I like listening to it." But even though I lived through it (the 80s at least) it's still hard for me to fathom that there was a time where everybody took that sound seriously. A time when million-dollar artists and producers spent hours in the studio looking to perfect their sound and said "yes, this is what I'm going for. This will announce to the world that I can make good, high quality music."
So what's my point? Everything that I've just said above - that's auto-tune in 5 years. We will look back on these dance/pop songs and will instantly know "oh, that's a song from 2008-2012" and that will instantly be followed by "why did we ever think that sounded good? Why did we think that making a human voice sound like a robot stuck in a paint mixer was a good idea?"
So that's my pointless epiphany. If only I could find a way to make money off of it.
You know how disco music is instantly recognizable as "disco"? There is just something about the drum and bass lines that scream the mid-70s. Even if you've never heard the song before and know nothing about it, you'd instantly know when it was from within a margin of error of 2-3 years. Similarly, when you hear those horrible synthesizers masquerading as real instruments you instantly know that it's from the 80s. And with both of those, there is always this question (at least in my mind) of "did people ever really think this sounded good?" Don't get me wrong, I enjoy 80s pop songs, but it's almost all on a level akin to bad movie enjoyment. It's like, "wow this sounds so ridiculous that it makes me smile so I like listening to it." But even though I lived through it (the 80s at least) it's still hard for me to fathom that there was a time where everybody took that sound seriously. A time when million-dollar artists and producers spent hours in the studio looking to perfect their sound and said "yes, this is what I'm going for. This will announce to the world that I can make good, high quality music."
So what's my point? Everything that I've just said above - that's auto-tune in 5 years. We will look back on these dance/pop songs and will instantly know "oh, that's a song from 2008-2012" and that will instantly be followed by "why did we ever think that sounded good? Why did we think that making a human voice sound like a robot stuck in a paint mixer was a good idea?"
So that's my pointless epiphany. If only I could find a way to make money off of it.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
And I'm Back
And so ends the grand experiment. Anybody make it to the end with me? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
Regardless of the answer (which I'm going to guess is pretty much nobody except maybe Becky) I'm declaring victory. I had only written 40 pages over the previous 4 and a half years and this process did indeed give me the push I needed to write another 60-plus pages and, most importantly, finish the damn thing. Regardless of whether it's any good or not (and my honest appraisal is that it's both) at least it's finally finished. Ever since I had this idea 5 years ago and had my wife and friends telling me that I definitely needed to write it and not let it be one of those ideas that I just don't do anything with, this whole project has hung over my head like the Sword of Damocles. Every time I was sitting around with free time there was this ever-present voice in the back of my head constantly saying "you know, instead of just sitting here you really should be working on your story." To which I would Homerically respond "Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a q-tip!" But now that little nagging voice has been silenced. Final tally, after I tweaked a bit more and added a title page, is 101 pages in Word. I really have no idea what that translates into as far as an actual published book goes (since those are obviously not 8.5 by 11) but I'd guess about 120-130 pages. Using this definition, at 21,983 words I fit squarely into the "novella" category, so from this point forward we're going to go with that.
In any case, if anybody did in fact make it all the way from beginning to end I would love to hear your thoughts! Not so much in the grammatical areas (i.e. all the typos and punctuation that I no doubt screwed up), but more from an overall story perspective. I'm interested to know which parts dragged and which parts felt rushed, if the overall narrative made sense (in as much as a superhero/supervillain story ever does) and wasn't confusing, where the humor was good and where it fell flat, and finally (and most importantly) if it was entertaining. I welcome any and all criticism because (even though I certainly also welcome praise) that's ultimately what will be most helpful to me going forward. As should be apparent, I am under no illusions that I wrote a masterpiece, so please let 'er rip!
So now of course the operative question is "what now?". And that applies on a couple different levels. What do I do with this completed novella? Christy, of course, thinks I should start submitting it to publishers. God bless her supportive little head, but I am not so deluded to think that it really has much of a chance. Frankly I think I'd be lucky if I could get a publisher to read it all the way through before rejecting it. Really, I try and see the finished product for what it is: a really valuable learning experience and a good first effort. Ultimately, if sometime in the next year or two our finances allow it, I will probably end-up self-publishing a really small run of 10 copies or so (which will cost about $300 if I do a hardcover) just so that I have something to throw up on my bookshelf as a conversation piece.
The next "what now?" pertains to my next big writing endeavor, and frankly right now I have no idea what that will be. I have a couple of different ideas bubbling around inside my head, but nothing that's really formed enough so far to get me excited. I definitely want to start again on something pretty soon. I really felt like I picked up steam as I went along and I'd hate to completely lose that momentum.
And finally, the last "what now?" has to do with this, my beloved blog. Again, I have no idea. I really have only been passively paying attention to politics (in fact I even just let my Economist subscription expire) but I imagine that will start to change in the next 6 months as we really start to ramp up into the 2012 election. Until then, I will probably go back to my semi-regular (but hopefully more regular) updates of randomness and inanity.
Regardless of the answer (which I'm going to guess is pretty much nobody except maybe Becky) I'm declaring victory. I had only written 40 pages over the previous 4 and a half years and this process did indeed give me the push I needed to write another 60-plus pages and, most importantly, finish the damn thing. Regardless of whether it's any good or not (and my honest appraisal is that it's both) at least it's finally finished. Ever since I had this idea 5 years ago and had my wife and friends telling me that I definitely needed to write it and not let it be one of those ideas that I just don't do anything with, this whole project has hung over my head like the Sword of Damocles. Every time I was sitting around with free time there was this ever-present voice in the back of my head constantly saying "you know, instead of just sitting here you really should be working on your story." To which I would Homerically respond "Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a q-tip!" But now that little nagging voice has been silenced. Final tally, after I tweaked a bit more and added a title page, is 101 pages in Word. I really have no idea what that translates into as far as an actual published book goes (since those are obviously not 8.5 by 11) but I'd guess about 120-130 pages. Using this definition, at 21,983 words I fit squarely into the "novella" category, so from this point forward we're going to go with that.
In any case, if anybody did in fact make it all the way from beginning to end I would love to hear your thoughts! Not so much in the grammatical areas (i.e. all the typos and punctuation that I no doubt screwed up), but more from an overall story perspective. I'm interested to know which parts dragged and which parts felt rushed, if the overall narrative made sense (in as much as a superhero/supervillain story ever does) and wasn't confusing, where the humor was good and where it fell flat, and finally (and most importantly) if it was entertaining. I welcome any and all criticism because (even though I certainly also welcome praise) that's ultimately what will be most helpful to me going forward. As should be apparent, I am under no illusions that I wrote a masterpiece, so please let 'er rip!
So now of course the operative question is "what now?". And that applies on a couple different levels. What do I do with this completed novella? Christy, of course, thinks I should start submitting it to publishers. God bless her supportive little head, but I am not so deluded to think that it really has much of a chance. Frankly I think I'd be lucky if I could get a publisher to read it all the way through before rejecting it. Really, I try and see the finished product for what it is: a really valuable learning experience and a good first effort. Ultimately, if sometime in the next year or two our finances allow it, I will probably end-up self-publishing a really small run of 10 copies or so (which will cost about $300 if I do a hardcover) just so that I have something to throw up on my bookshelf as a conversation piece.
The next "what now?" pertains to my next big writing endeavor, and frankly right now I have no idea what that will be. I have a couple of different ideas bubbling around inside my head, but nothing that's really formed enough so far to get me excited. I definitely want to start again on something pretty soon. I really felt like I picked up steam as I went along and I'd hate to completely lose that momentum.
And finally, the last "what now?" has to do with this, my beloved blog. Again, I have no idea. I really have only been passively paying attention to politics (in fact I even just let my Economist subscription expire) but I imagine that will start to change in the next 6 months as we really start to ramp up into the 2012 election. Until then, I will probably go back to my semi-regular (but hopefully more regular) updates of randomness and inanity.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Evil Genius (Conclusion)
Part 5: The End
Ivan sat in the conference room and fantasized about killing everyone else in the room in the most grotesque and obscene ways possible. And even though he was out of practice, he could still think of some pretty obscene ways.
He sat at the oak conference table in the penthouse suite of the Four Seasons. He was surrounded by representatives from every corner of the globe. They were here for the same reason that they were always here. They were utterly incapable of solving even the pettiest of disagreements amongst themselves, and so had come to him to have their problems solved for them. It isn’t that he made better decisions than anything they could have come up with themselves - it’s that his was the voice of ultimate authority. There was no higher court or anyone else to appeal to after him; his was the final word. As such every representative could feel free to return to their constituency and tell them, with a clear conscience, that they had done all they could but the decision had been made and that was that.
He used to be The Destructor, now he was The Mediator. From Ivan, the most powerful man who ever lived, to Ivan, great arbiter of the Andean water usage rights. It was enough to make him want to weep.
How many hundreds of times had he thought of just putting an end to everything and going back to the way things used to be? But in the end, what would that accomplishment? A return to the days of cold canned beans, bucket plumbing, and a stench that would bring a tear to a skunk’s eye.
6 months ago, he thought that he had found a way out. The plan had been perfect. He would swallow all the bile welling up inside of him in preparation for an epic acting performance. One that would have made him worthy of his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame if it still existed. He would play the part of the benevolent dictator and tell them that now that he had set the world on its correct course, that as his last act he would give them a choice. He would allow them to choose their own ruler.
And he played his part to perfection. Sure it went against all of his natural impulses to try and act like he was doing anything altruistically, but it was still his decision. Thus, although he’d no longer be the ruler of Earth, he’d still be able to claim victory. But most importantly, it would all be over. No more meetings, no more forms, no more whiny diplomats with their inane, tedious chatter and trivial problems.
As it turned out though, he had played his part far too well. Because what had the bastards gone and done? They had elected him! He wasn’t sure if it had been rigged or done fairly, and frankly he didn’t care. None of his opponents even bothered to contest the results. They all just cheerfully called to concede and congratulate him within hours of the polls closing.
His victory speech was historic in its brevity. He just stood in front of thousands of his supporters and said simply “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” and then walked off the stage shaking his head, rubbing his temples, and cursing loudly.
So now here he was, resigned to this fate. He realized that all eyes were looking at him, waiting for a decision. As he often did, he had either forgotten or never bothered to listen to half of the facts of the case. It didn’t matter. He could have used a dartboard.
“OK, here’s what we’re going to do. Everyone between latitude 0 and 15 will irrigate on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and everyone above latitude 15 will have Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Sundays will alternate according to a calendar that we’ll have drawn up. Now in the event of a leap year that falls on a Sunday. . .”
Ivan suddenly stopped. He was aware of a deep pounding sound. It took him a minute to realize that it wasn’t just his head, though that throbbed as well. It was faint at first, but steadily grew louder. Boom! Then silence. A few seconds later there it was again. Boom! The others were reacting to it as well. Boom! It was getting closer for sure. Crash! And now it was unmistakably the sound of wood bursting, over and over again. And just as this realization took hold, the door to the conference room exploded inward. As Ivan scrambled to his feet and the dust settled, he realized he was staring at a ghost. Captain Invincible looked back at him.
And just as Meg had instructed him, he wasted no time with introductions. There were no grand speeches with denouncements and promises of comeuppance. No - Captain Invincible simply moved like a bullet to cross the distance between them, gently picked the Doctor up, and politely threw him out of the 13th floor window.
Ivan wasn’t afraid, and he didn’t scream. Apart from the couple pieces of jagged glass in his back, there wasn’t really any pain either. The emotion he felt most, as he plunged to his death, was pride. He was proud of the Courtland girl, even if she was a little slow in figuring out what the hell she was supposed to do. And Dr. Richter too. In the end, they hadn’t let him down. Most of all, he felt a deep sense of pride in himself. That he was finally finished with all this tedium and monotony and, perhaps most importantly, he was leaving all of it for that asshole Invincible to deal with. ‘Enjoy your moment now you prick’, he thought, ‘because 6 months from now when you’re sorting through geographic territories for cheese retailers in France you’re going to wish you’d never been brought back.’
And with that most pleasant thought in his head, Doctor Ivan Destructo’s body hit the pavement with a soft plop. And it was left to everyone to forever wonder why it was that in his last second of life, he had such a large grin on his face.
Epilogue: The Beginning
The preacher made his to the podium and surveyed the crowd. The church was packed today. As it should be. It was a very special day. He straddled the podium with his arms, looked out at his flock, and began.
“Welcome my friends, and may I say to all of you ‘Happy Birthday’! As all of you know, it was one year ago today that our great leader and savior was struck down. Struck down by the hands of those who are small-minded and weak. Deluded by a misguided feeling of righteousness, every word out of their mouths is blasphemous, every action a sin. They feel no remorse for their actions, so far gone are their minds from the truth.”
He grabbed the mic from its stand and started pacing across the stage, passing by the 15-foot tall statue of Doctor Desctructo at the head of the church.
“But my friends, today is not a day to drown ourselves in sorrow. Today is a day of great joy. Because one year ago today, Ivan the Great died so that we might be born. He gave unto us the life that he had, so that we would know him and have the courage to walk the true path. Because the truth is that he left us because we were not worthy of him. He tried to purge the world of all of its wickedness. All the greed and lust in our hearts. But no matter what he did it wasn’t enough because as fast as he tore it down our impure hearts built it up again. We took it for granted that we could turn to him to solve our problems, now and always.”
Now he paused both his speech and his walk. He stared at the crowd intently.
“Brothers and sisters, we failed him.”
He let this thought sink in and then he resumed his pacing.
“But we must not despair. We were destined to fail him. He knew that we would. But he loves all of us so much that he was willing to die so that we could see it. So that we would know the truth.”
He could hear sobs from the crowd now. He was stifling back tears himself.
“So let us prepare ourselves for him. Let us make ourselves worthy. The enemy has a name, and that name is Captain Invincible. He and all of his followers must see the folly and error of their ways. And if they will not see the truth on their own, we will make them see it. And if we cannot make them see the truth, well” he paused again and shook his head sardonically, “our savior taught us what must be done in the face of unrepentant evil. If we cannot make them see the truth, they will be destroyed!”
He had reached the podium again and he slammed his fists on the hard wooden surface as punctuation before he continued.
“And then my brothers and sisters, and only then, when we have purged heaven and earth of all that is unrighteous, when we have cleansed the world of impurity and prepared our hearts and our souls; my brothers and sisters, that is when He shall return to us. And he will smile upon us, and welcome us unto him. And with Him we will know no more pain, and we will know only joy and peace in his arms until the end of days, Amen!”
The crowd roared back an “Amen” in return, and with great fervor they began chanting “Ivan the Great” and “Ivan the Holy”; the echoes of which could be heard for miles and miles across the night sky.
Ivan sat in the conference room and fantasized about killing everyone else in the room in the most grotesque and obscene ways possible. And even though he was out of practice, he could still think of some pretty obscene ways.
He sat at the oak conference table in the penthouse suite of the Four Seasons. He was surrounded by representatives from every corner of the globe. They were here for the same reason that they were always here. They were utterly incapable of solving even the pettiest of disagreements amongst themselves, and so had come to him to have their problems solved for them. It isn’t that he made better decisions than anything they could have come up with themselves - it’s that his was the voice of ultimate authority. There was no higher court or anyone else to appeal to after him; his was the final word. As such every representative could feel free to return to their constituency and tell them, with a clear conscience, that they had done all they could but the decision had been made and that was that.
He used to be The Destructor, now he was The Mediator. From Ivan, the most powerful man who ever lived, to Ivan, great arbiter of the Andean water usage rights. It was enough to make him want to weep.
How many hundreds of times had he thought of just putting an end to everything and going back to the way things used to be? But in the end, what would that accomplishment? A return to the days of cold canned beans, bucket plumbing, and a stench that would bring a tear to a skunk’s eye.
6 months ago, he thought that he had found a way out. The plan had been perfect. He would swallow all the bile welling up inside of him in preparation for an epic acting performance. One that would have made him worthy of his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame if it still existed. He would play the part of the benevolent dictator and tell them that now that he had set the world on its correct course, that as his last act he would give them a choice. He would allow them to choose their own ruler.
And he played his part to perfection. Sure it went against all of his natural impulses to try and act like he was doing anything altruistically, but it was still his decision. Thus, although he’d no longer be the ruler of Earth, he’d still be able to claim victory. But most importantly, it would all be over. No more meetings, no more forms, no more whiny diplomats with their inane, tedious chatter and trivial problems.
As it turned out though, he had played his part far too well. Because what had the bastards gone and done? They had elected him! He wasn’t sure if it had been rigged or done fairly, and frankly he didn’t care. None of his opponents even bothered to contest the results. They all just cheerfully called to concede and congratulate him within hours of the polls closing.
His victory speech was historic in its brevity. He just stood in front of thousands of his supporters and said simply “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” and then walked off the stage shaking his head, rubbing his temples, and cursing loudly.
So now here he was, resigned to this fate. He realized that all eyes were looking at him, waiting for a decision. As he often did, he had either forgotten or never bothered to listen to half of the facts of the case. It didn’t matter. He could have used a dartboard.
“OK, here’s what we’re going to do. Everyone between latitude 0 and 15 will irrigate on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and everyone above latitude 15 will have Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Sundays will alternate according to a calendar that we’ll have drawn up. Now in the event of a leap year that falls on a Sunday. . .”
Ivan suddenly stopped. He was aware of a deep pounding sound. It took him a minute to realize that it wasn’t just his head, though that throbbed as well. It was faint at first, but steadily grew louder. Boom! Then silence. A few seconds later there it was again. Boom! The others were reacting to it as well. Boom! It was getting closer for sure. Crash! And now it was unmistakably the sound of wood bursting, over and over again. And just as this realization took hold, the door to the conference room exploded inward. As Ivan scrambled to his feet and the dust settled, he realized he was staring at a ghost. Captain Invincible looked back at him.
And just as Meg had instructed him, he wasted no time with introductions. There were no grand speeches with denouncements and promises of comeuppance. No - Captain Invincible simply moved like a bullet to cross the distance between them, gently picked the Doctor up, and politely threw him out of the 13th floor window.
Ivan wasn’t afraid, and he didn’t scream. Apart from the couple pieces of jagged glass in his back, there wasn’t really any pain either. The emotion he felt most, as he plunged to his death, was pride. He was proud of the Courtland girl, even if she was a little slow in figuring out what the hell she was supposed to do. And Dr. Richter too. In the end, they hadn’t let him down. Most of all, he felt a deep sense of pride in himself. That he was finally finished with all this tedium and monotony and, perhaps most importantly, he was leaving all of it for that asshole Invincible to deal with. ‘Enjoy your moment now you prick’, he thought, ‘because 6 months from now when you’re sorting through geographic territories for cheese retailers in France you’re going to wish you’d never been brought back.’
And with that most pleasant thought in his head, Doctor Ivan Destructo’s body hit the pavement with a soft plop. And it was left to everyone to forever wonder why it was that in his last second of life, he had such a large grin on his face.
Epilogue: The Beginning
The preacher made his to the podium and surveyed the crowd. The church was packed today. As it should be. It was a very special day. He straddled the podium with his arms, looked out at his flock, and began.
“Welcome my friends, and may I say to all of you ‘Happy Birthday’! As all of you know, it was one year ago today that our great leader and savior was struck down. Struck down by the hands of those who are small-minded and weak. Deluded by a misguided feeling of righteousness, every word out of their mouths is blasphemous, every action a sin. They feel no remorse for their actions, so far gone are their minds from the truth.”
He grabbed the mic from its stand and started pacing across the stage, passing by the 15-foot tall statue of Doctor Desctructo at the head of the church.
“But my friends, today is not a day to drown ourselves in sorrow. Today is a day of great joy. Because one year ago today, Ivan the Great died so that we might be born. He gave unto us the life that he had, so that we would know him and have the courage to walk the true path. Because the truth is that he left us because we were not worthy of him. He tried to purge the world of all of its wickedness. All the greed and lust in our hearts. But no matter what he did it wasn’t enough because as fast as he tore it down our impure hearts built it up again. We took it for granted that we could turn to him to solve our problems, now and always.”
Now he paused both his speech and his walk. He stared at the crowd intently.
“Brothers and sisters, we failed him.”
He let this thought sink in and then he resumed his pacing.
“But we must not despair. We were destined to fail him. He knew that we would. But he loves all of us so much that he was willing to die so that we could see it. So that we would know the truth.”
He could hear sobs from the crowd now. He was stifling back tears himself.
“So let us prepare ourselves for him. Let us make ourselves worthy. The enemy has a name, and that name is Captain Invincible. He and all of his followers must see the folly and error of their ways. And if they will not see the truth on their own, we will make them see it. And if we cannot make them see the truth, well” he paused again and shook his head sardonically, “our savior taught us what must be done in the face of unrepentant evil. If we cannot make them see the truth, they will be destroyed!”
He had reached the podium again and he slammed his fists on the hard wooden surface as punctuation before he continued.
“And then my brothers and sisters, and only then, when we have purged heaven and earth of all that is unrighteous, when we have cleansed the world of impurity and prepared our hearts and our souls; my brothers and sisters, that is when He shall return to us. And he will smile upon us, and welcome us unto him. And with Him we will know no more pain, and we will know only joy and peace in his arms until the end of days, Amen!”
The crowd roared back an “Amen” in return, and with great fervor they began chanting “Ivan the Great” and “Ivan the Holy”; the echoes of which could be heard for miles and miles across the night sky.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Evil Genius (Part 15)
Chapter 3
The note arrived just as Meg was finally getting settled.
After stepping out of the Four Seasons, Meg had spent the next couple of hours just wandering around the city. It didn’t take long for her to realize that the suspicions she had had from inside her luxury prison were indeed true. The world seemed to have woken up again. Down each street she passed groups of pedestrians engaged in trivial chatter, bustling shops where customers waited patiently and impatiently for their turn, and the air was filled with the familiar engine revs, honking horns, and exhaust fumes. It was almost enough to make you forget that you were living under the authoritarian rule of the most evil man that ever lived.
Once the general joy and exuberance of being free started to wear off, Meg started to realize that she hadn’t the slightest idea where she should go or what she should do. A funny thing happens when you think each day is going to be your last – your long-term planning tends to suffer. So, short of any better idea, she decided to go home. Or at least the place that had been her home up until her impromptu vacation almost 2 years ago.
She approached the high-rise condo building and went inside. Before the end of everything there had been a 24-hour doorman but now there was no one, so she encountered no resistance when she walked in the front door and went to the elevators. As she emerged from the elevator and walked down the 11th floor hallway, she really didn’t know what to expect. Most likely the door would simply be locked. Would she knock? What if it was open and she walked in only to find the place redecorated and an extremely surprised couple asking her who the hell she was? Meg didn’t have the answers to any of these questions, but that didn’t stop her. She walked straight up to the door and turned the handle. Just like at the Four Seasons, it turned easily in her hands. As she pushed the door inwards she felt that she was prepared for whatever she might see. Only she wasn’t prepared for this.
It was dark and it was dusty, but it was unmistakable. All of her possessions, exactly as she had left them.
With all of today’s good fortune, she started to think that she must be dreaming but no; dreams didn’t have dust. She plopped herself down on the living room couch and was momentarily enveloped by a thick dustcloud. She tried to make sense out of all that had happened to her today, quickly decided with complete certainty that it made absolutely no sense whatsoever and thus determined to waste no more time thinking about it.
She now turned her mind to more practical matters. She had no food in the house – at least nothing edible. Fortunately, she still had valuables in the wall safe behind the picture in the bedroom. Again she registered no surprise when it was still there and the combination hadn’t been changed. Inside was a bag that contained a small collection of diamonds. Terry had liked to impress her by taking lumps of coal and squeezing them into diamonds. It was the superhero version of winning the giant stuffed panda at the Ring Toss.
She pocketed a few of the diamonds, returned the bag to the safe, and headed out again. If the world had really gone back to normal – or at least a new normal – then the row of jewelry shops on Connecticut Ave should be open again. And unless women were suddenly no longer interested in very shiny jewels, she should be able to get a decent price for them. She turned out to be right on both counts, though she just about had a seizure when the jeweler paid her. 50 crisp $100 bills, all with the giant visage of Doctor Destructo smack in the middle of them. But since this didn’t even remotely qualify as the strangest thing that had happened to her today, she simply sighed, shrugged, and pocketed her bounty.
On her way back home she stopped in at the grocery store and bought some fresh fruit, bread, and cleaning supplies. She half-expected the clerk to laugh at her when she tried to pay with her ridiculous currency, but he just took it without looking at her and handed her back her change – bills with smaller denominations but the same obscene image of the Doctor.
As she walked back into her building, she spotted John McDonald coming out of the elevator. John had been the condo association president. He spotted her and jumped back momentarily, then he smiled broadly as he ran forward and hugged her.
“Oh my god, Meg!”
“Hi John, good to see you too.” She had officially lost the capacity to be surprised anymore today.
John pulled back but was still beaming.
“I knew you’d be back. Somehow I just knew. We’ve been renting out the units left and right. Most of the owners being, um, gone. But I saved yours; wasn’t going to let that one go till I absolutely had to.”
“Thanks. I appreciate that.”
“It was the least I could do.” And now he whispered. “I heard how you snuck in and almost killed him. Everyone did. A lot of people didn’t believe it but I knew you and knew that if anyone could do it it’d be you. Then I heard that someone spotted you getting led into the Four Seasons by the Doctor’s goons and I thought to myself ‘I don’t know how she’s still alive but I bet if she ever gets outta there she’s going to wanna come on back home’ and now here you are!”
John continued to smile at her and for the first time since she could remember Meg smiled back.
“I don’t what to say John, it’s . . . I just . . .thank you. Listen, I just got back and need to get settled in . . .”
“Of course, of course. I’ll make sure you’ve got electricity by the end of the night and I’ll get you all set up with all the rest of the essentials – gas, phone, whatnot – by the end of the week. Um, and I’m sure you know that the rules have all changed since, well . . . anyway we can talk about that later.”
They hugged again and then Meg headed towards the elevator. As the doors opened and she headed inside, John called out to her again.
“Meg.” She turned. “Welcome home.”
She got back to her condo and got down to work. Everything that could be cleaned was and what couldn’t be was thrown out and replaced. John was true to his word and within a few days Meg was set up again with all her pre-Apocalyptic luxuries – electricity, gas, phone, and even cable TV. Along with that he also explained that she no longer owned her condo, since Doctor Destructo now owned everything. So she’d be paying rent again. But that didn’t bother her. Eventually more diamonds would have to come out of the bag but no worries, there were still plenty more. And now that television was back on the air she was even thinking that she might be able to resume her career as a journalist.
She woke up one morning with that thought in her mind when she noticed a note had been slid under her door. It said simply “Call Dr. Richter. Ask him about his work.” Printed underneath was a phone number.
She sat down on the couch and regarded the note curiously. The world had just started to make a small amount of sense again and now this. She started contemplating what to do, but knew almost immediately that not calling wasn’t going to be an option. Curiosity doesn’t kill the cat every time, but it does eventually because the cat is always curious. She picked up the phone and dialed. He answered on the third ring.
“Hello”
“Hello, is this Dr. Richter?”
He hesitated for a second. “Yes”
“Dr. Richter, my name is Meg Courtland and this is probably going to sound crazy but I . . .”
“You got a note that told you to call me.”
“Yes; is it from you?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Then how did you know?”
“I received one as well. It said ‘You will be contacted by Meg Courtland. Tell her about your work.’ I thought that maybe it was from you but I could already hear in your voice that you were as surprised as me. So what did your note say?”
“The same thing essentially. That I was to call you and ask you about your work. So what can you tell me?”
She heard Dr. Richter exhale audibly.
“I’m really not sure. At the present time I’m not doing anything that most people would consider to be cutting edge or even very interesting. Certainly nothing that warrants these kind of cryptic messages.”
Meg bit on her thumbnail and thought for a minute. This didn’t seem to add up. She sighed.
“Well, we certainly can’t rule out the possibility that somebody’s just decided to screw with us. But maybe you should tell me more about your current work anyway and we’ll just see where it takes us.”
“Mostly I’m doing basic genetic research, which might sound high-tech and glamorous but in reality it’s a lot of repetition and crunching numbers. Mainly we’re trying to work out genetic markers that will tell us which people are at greater risk for certain illnesses so we can give them an early warning sign.”
Meg started to pace.
“Well, I’m a journalist. Or at least I was one before . . .before. Maybe somebody wants me to publicize your work more. Are you close to any breakthroughs?”
Dr. Richter laughed.
“If I am that’s news to me. I can’t imagine the headline ‘14th chromose linked to additional 2% risk of irritable bowel syndrome’ moving too many papers off shelves. In all honesty, I can’t say that I’ve been a part of anything very interesting in the last 10 years. Not since my time with the Captain, God rest his soul.”
Meg froze and her heart suddenly shot down into the pit of her stomach.
“What?!?!”
Dr. Richter could tell he’d hit on something.
“Captain Invincible. He volunteered to do some tests for us about 10 years ago.”
“What do you mean? Tell me everything” Her voice took on a little bit of a desperate tone and her hand started shaking involuntarily.
Dr. Richter could sense it and he started to get a little excited too.
“Oh . . .well, I, uh, didn’t think that you meant that. I mean it was reported on very heavily at the time. At least in the scientific journals. But I suppose it never got as much mainstream coverage as we thought it deserved, probably because everything that we found just led us to have more questions. In any case, obviously everyone always wondered what it was that gave him all those incredible powers. Well, it turns out that no one wondered more than the Captain himself. I was doing research for John Hopkins Medical School when he contacted us one day. Would we be interested in running some tests on him to see if we could formulate any theories on why he was the way he was? I don’t think I need to tell you how quick we jumped to say yes to that question. The man – if you can call him that – was a scientific marvel. The ultimate research specimen.”
Meg cringed to hear Terry dehumanized in this way but decided not to speak up.
“So the whole staff pretty much instantly dropped everything else they were doing to concentrate on him full-time. We ran him through every test and medical examination we could think of. He gave us so much data that my grandchildren will still be sorting through it.”
Meg sat down on the couch and frowned slightly.
“You said that the whole staff was involved in examining him?”
“That’s right. About 50 of us.”
“Were you in charge of the whole project.”
“Oh no! That’s for the bureaucrats – the ones who have put in their time in the lab and don’t feel like getting their hands dirty anymore. No, I was only a few years out of school then so I was down on the front lines.”
“Well the note wanted me to contact you specifically. Who knows, maybe you’re the only one that whoever wrote it knew how to get a hold of. On the other hand, maybe it has to do with your specific role in the experiments on Ter . . . er Captain Invincible. What exactly did you do with him?”
“Oh that.” And now Dr. Richter’s voice swelled up a bit and Meg could hear the pride in it. “At that time my principle concentration was on the mind and memory. We had an ambitious goal – to completely map out the mind and record all the memories of one person. We knew that the technology was there but there had always been one thing that stood in our way – funding. No one wants to pay money to completely record the entire life of your average Joe Sixpack, but this was our perfect chance. Everyone would be interested in having a record of the most powerful man in the world for all eternity.”
“So what happened?”
“What happened was that we succeeded! I’ve still got the complete mind and memories of Captain Invincible captured on 192 DVDs at my research facility in Baltimore.”
Meg’s jaw almost hit the floor.
“My god! How is it that no one ever heard of this?”
“Well, it was classified for a while. For obvious reasons the government decided it wasn’t a great idea for everyone to know that the most intimate secrets and inner workings of our savior and protector were available for anyone to peruse. Then there was the problem that apart from scientific curiosity, there wasn’t a whole lot we could do with it for a while.”
“What do you mean ‘for a while’?”
“Well, the mind is certainly the most important thing but without the body it’s not all that useful. Sure we could have tried to hook it into some computer program and develop an advanced AI, but that’s not really my field. So we were a bit stuck. That is, until we heard about Dolly.”
Meg tried to remember where she had heard that name before. Then it hit her.
“The cloned sheep?”
“Exactly.”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“Once we knew for sure that it was possible to clone based purely on a DNA sample, that opened up a world of possibilities for us. We could now reproduce the body that we didn’t have before. Now the data that made up our mind had a destination! All that remained was to figure out a way to implant the data into it.”
“So what happened? Did you do it?” Meg was almost getting delirious. Was there a possibility that there was another Captain Invincible out there somewhere? Another Terry?
“Unfortunately not.” Meg’s heart sank. “For one thing we never solved the problem of transferring the data onto a real mind. But that’s a problem that could have been overcome. No, the real problem was both a practical and ethical one: getting Captain Invincible’s DNA. Sure we could have invited him over and scoured the floors for a few hair follicles after he left, but that wouldn’t have been right. So we told him about our research and asked him and he said no. Can’t say that I blame him. Not sure I’d want another one of me walking around somewhere either while I was still around.”
“So wait a minute, are you telling me that it’s still possible? That if you somehow had his permission that you could still do it?”
Dr. Richter waivered.
“In theory yes, but practically speaking it’s just not possible. It’s not a problem that he died; the problem is how he died. He was vaporized in a nuclear blast. Any DNA that survived would have been scattered over a 200-mile radius.”
Meg shot up off the couch, her eyes wide.
“But if you had an intact sample; something that was pure and undoubtedly his . . .”
“If I had that and a few million dollars to get my lab up and running again, I could make you another Captain Invincible in less than 6 months.”
“I can do that.”
“What? How?”
But Meg had already hung up the phone. She raced into her bedroom and to the wall safe. She knew just what she was after. She reached in and grabbed the jewelry bag. Who knew that something much more valuable than diamonds was inside? Certainly even a superhero, in the act of crushing a lump of coal into a diamond, would shed a few skin flakes, right? Meg removed the bag gingerly and walked over to the table. She dug out a magnifying glass and began her search. Somewhere in this bag she would find a piece of Terry to bring to Dr. Richter. It was hard to imagine that something so tiny could have the power to change the world forever.
The next day she called Dr. Richter to tell him she thought that she had what he needed. He told her that he woke up this morning and discovered another envelope slipped under his door. In it was a check for $5 million.
The note arrived just as Meg was finally getting settled.
After stepping out of the Four Seasons, Meg had spent the next couple of hours just wandering around the city. It didn’t take long for her to realize that the suspicions she had had from inside her luxury prison were indeed true. The world seemed to have woken up again. Down each street she passed groups of pedestrians engaged in trivial chatter, bustling shops where customers waited patiently and impatiently for their turn, and the air was filled with the familiar engine revs, honking horns, and exhaust fumes. It was almost enough to make you forget that you were living under the authoritarian rule of the most evil man that ever lived.
Once the general joy and exuberance of being free started to wear off, Meg started to realize that she hadn’t the slightest idea where she should go or what she should do. A funny thing happens when you think each day is going to be your last – your long-term planning tends to suffer. So, short of any better idea, she decided to go home. Or at least the place that had been her home up until her impromptu vacation almost 2 years ago.
She approached the high-rise condo building and went inside. Before the end of everything there had been a 24-hour doorman but now there was no one, so she encountered no resistance when she walked in the front door and went to the elevators. As she emerged from the elevator and walked down the 11th floor hallway, she really didn’t know what to expect. Most likely the door would simply be locked. Would she knock? What if it was open and she walked in only to find the place redecorated and an extremely surprised couple asking her who the hell she was? Meg didn’t have the answers to any of these questions, but that didn’t stop her. She walked straight up to the door and turned the handle. Just like at the Four Seasons, it turned easily in her hands. As she pushed the door inwards she felt that she was prepared for whatever she might see. Only she wasn’t prepared for this.
It was dark and it was dusty, but it was unmistakable. All of her possessions, exactly as she had left them.
With all of today’s good fortune, she started to think that she must be dreaming but no; dreams didn’t have dust. She plopped herself down on the living room couch and was momentarily enveloped by a thick dustcloud. She tried to make sense out of all that had happened to her today, quickly decided with complete certainty that it made absolutely no sense whatsoever and thus determined to waste no more time thinking about it.
She now turned her mind to more practical matters. She had no food in the house – at least nothing edible. Fortunately, she still had valuables in the wall safe behind the picture in the bedroom. Again she registered no surprise when it was still there and the combination hadn’t been changed. Inside was a bag that contained a small collection of diamonds. Terry had liked to impress her by taking lumps of coal and squeezing them into diamonds. It was the superhero version of winning the giant stuffed panda at the Ring Toss.
She pocketed a few of the diamonds, returned the bag to the safe, and headed out again. If the world had really gone back to normal – or at least a new normal – then the row of jewelry shops on Connecticut Ave should be open again. And unless women were suddenly no longer interested in very shiny jewels, she should be able to get a decent price for them. She turned out to be right on both counts, though she just about had a seizure when the jeweler paid her. 50 crisp $100 bills, all with the giant visage of Doctor Destructo smack in the middle of them. But since this didn’t even remotely qualify as the strangest thing that had happened to her today, she simply sighed, shrugged, and pocketed her bounty.
On her way back home she stopped in at the grocery store and bought some fresh fruit, bread, and cleaning supplies. She half-expected the clerk to laugh at her when she tried to pay with her ridiculous currency, but he just took it without looking at her and handed her back her change – bills with smaller denominations but the same obscene image of the Doctor.
As she walked back into her building, she spotted John McDonald coming out of the elevator. John had been the condo association president. He spotted her and jumped back momentarily, then he smiled broadly as he ran forward and hugged her.
“Oh my god, Meg!”
“Hi John, good to see you too.” She had officially lost the capacity to be surprised anymore today.
John pulled back but was still beaming.
“I knew you’d be back. Somehow I just knew. We’ve been renting out the units left and right. Most of the owners being, um, gone. But I saved yours; wasn’t going to let that one go till I absolutely had to.”
“Thanks. I appreciate that.”
“It was the least I could do.” And now he whispered. “I heard how you snuck in and almost killed him. Everyone did. A lot of people didn’t believe it but I knew you and knew that if anyone could do it it’d be you. Then I heard that someone spotted you getting led into the Four Seasons by the Doctor’s goons and I thought to myself ‘I don’t know how she’s still alive but I bet if she ever gets outta there she’s going to wanna come on back home’ and now here you are!”
John continued to smile at her and for the first time since she could remember Meg smiled back.
“I don’t what to say John, it’s . . . I just . . .thank you. Listen, I just got back and need to get settled in . . .”
“Of course, of course. I’ll make sure you’ve got electricity by the end of the night and I’ll get you all set up with all the rest of the essentials – gas, phone, whatnot – by the end of the week. Um, and I’m sure you know that the rules have all changed since, well . . . anyway we can talk about that later.”
They hugged again and then Meg headed towards the elevator. As the doors opened and she headed inside, John called out to her again.
“Meg.” She turned. “Welcome home.”
She got back to her condo and got down to work. Everything that could be cleaned was and what couldn’t be was thrown out and replaced. John was true to his word and within a few days Meg was set up again with all her pre-Apocalyptic luxuries – electricity, gas, phone, and even cable TV. Along with that he also explained that she no longer owned her condo, since Doctor Destructo now owned everything. So she’d be paying rent again. But that didn’t bother her. Eventually more diamonds would have to come out of the bag but no worries, there were still plenty more. And now that television was back on the air she was even thinking that she might be able to resume her career as a journalist.
She woke up one morning with that thought in her mind when she noticed a note had been slid under her door. It said simply “Call Dr. Richter. Ask him about his work.” Printed underneath was a phone number.
She sat down on the couch and regarded the note curiously. The world had just started to make a small amount of sense again and now this. She started contemplating what to do, but knew almost immediately that not calling wasn’t going to be an option. Curiosity doesn’t kill the cat every time, but it does eventually because the cat is always curious. She picked up the phone and dialed. He answered on the third ring.
“Hello”
“Hello, is this Dr. Richter?”
He hesitated for a second. “Yes”
“Dr. Richter, my name is Meg Courtland and this is probably going to sound crazy but I . . .”
“You got a note that told you to call me.”
“Yes; is it from you?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Then how did you know?”
“I received one as well. It said ‘You will be contacted by Meg Courtland. Tell her about your work.’ I thought that maybe it was from you but I could already hear in your voice that you were as surprised as me. So what did your note say?”
“The same thing essentially. That I was to call you and ask you about your work. So what can you tell me?”
She heard Dr. Richter exhale audibly.
“I’m really not sure. At the present time I’m not doing anything that most people would consider to be cutting edge or even very interesting. Certainly nothing that warrants these kind of cryptic messages.”
Meg bit on her thumbnail and thought for a minute. This didn’t seem to add up. She sighed.
“Well, we certainly can’t rule out the possibility that somebody’s just decided to screw with us. But maybe you should tell me more about your current work anyway and we’ll just see where it takes us.”
“Mostly I’m doing basic genetic research, which might sound high-tech and glamorous but in reality it’s a lot of repetition and crunching numbers. Mainly we’re trying to work out genetic markers that will tell us which people are at greater risk for certain illnesses so we can give them an early warning sign.”
Meg started to pace.
“Well, I’m a journalist. Or at least I was one before . . .before. Maybe somebody wants me to publicize your work more. Are you close to any breakthroughs?”
Dr. Richter laughed.
“If I am that’s news to me. I can’t imagine the headline ‘14th chromose linked to additional 2% risk of irritable bowel syndrome’ moving too many papers off shelves. In all honesty, I can’t say that I’ve been a part of anything very interesting in the last 10 years. Not since my time with the Captain, God rest his soul.”
Meg froze and her heart suddenly shot down into the pit of her stomach.
“What?!?!”
Dr. Richter could tell he’d hit on something.
“Captain Invincible. He volunteered to do some tests for us about 10 years ago.”
“What do you mean? Tell me everything” Her voice took on a little bit of a desperate tone and her hand started shaking involuntarily.
Dr. Richter could sense it and he started to get a little excited too.
“Oh . . .well, I, uh, didn’t think that you meant that. I mean it was reported on very heavily at the time. At least in the scientific journals. But I suppose it never got as much mainstream coverage as we thought it deserved, probably because everything that we found just led us to have more questions. In any case, obviously everyone always wondered what it was that gave him all those incredible powers. Well, it turns out that no one wondered more than the Captain himself. I was doing research for John Hopkins Medical School when he contacted us one day. Would we be interested in running some tests on him to see if we could formulate any theories on why he was the way he was? I don’t think I need to tell you how quick we jumped to say yes to that question. The man – if you can call him that – was a scientific marvel. The ultimate research specimen.”
Meg cringed to hear Terry dehumanized in this way but decided not to speak up.
“So the whole staff pretty much instantly dropped everything else they were doing to concentrate on him full-time. We ran him through every test and medical examination we could think of. He gave us so much data that my grandchildren will still be sorting through it.”
Meg sat down on the couch and frowned slightly.
“You said that the whole staff was involved in examining him?”
“That’s right. About 50 of us.”
“Were you in charge of the whole project.”
“Oh no! That’s for the bureaucrats – the ones who have put in their time in the lab and don’t feel like getting their hands dirty anymore. No, I was only a few years out of school then so I was down on the front lines.”
“Well the note wanted me to contact you specifically. Who knows, maybe you’re the only one that whoever wrote it knew how to get a hold of. On the other hand, maybe it has to do with your specific role in the experiments on Ter . . . er Captain Invincible. What exactly did you do with him?”
“Oh that.” And now Dr. Richter’s voice swelled up a bit and Meg could hear the pride in it. “At that time my principle concentration was on the mind and memory. We had an ambitious goal – to completely map out the mind and record all the memories of one person. We knew that the technology was there but there had always been one thing that stood in our way – funding. No one wants to pay money to completely record the entire life of your average Joe Sixpack, but this was our perfect chance. Everyone would be interested in having a record of the most powerful man in the world for all eternity.”
“So what happened?”
“What happened was that we succeeded! I’ve still got the complete mind and memories of Captain Invincible captured on 192 DVDs at my research facility in Baltimore.”
Meg’s jaw almost hit the floor.
“My god! How is it that no one ever heard of this?”
“Well, it was classified for a while. For obvious reasons the government decided it wasn’t a great idea for everyone to know that the most intimate secrets and inner workings of our savior and protector were available for anyone to peruse. Then there was the problem that apart from scientific curiosity, there wasn’t a whole lot we could do with it for a while.”
“What do you mean ‘for a while’?”
“Well, the mind is certainly the most important thing but without the body it’s not all that useful. Sure we could have tried to hook it into some computer program and develop an advanced AI, but that’s not really my field. So we were a bit stuck. That is, until we heard about Dolly.”
Meg tried to remember where she had heard that name before. Then it hit her.
“The cloned sheep?”
“Exactly.”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“Once we knew for sure that it was possible to clone based purely on a DNA sample, that opened up a world of possibilities for us. We could now reproduce the body that we didn’t have before. Now the data that made up our mind had a destination! All that remained was to figure out a way to implant the data into it.”
“So what happened? Did you do it?” Meg was almost getting delirious. Was there a possibility that there was another Captain Invincible out there somewhere? Another Terry?
“Unfortunately not.” Meg’s heart sank. “For one thing we never solved the problem of transferring the data onto a real mind. But that’s a problem that could have been overcome. No, the real problem was both a practical and ethical one: getting Captain Invincible’s DNA. Sure we could have invited him over and scoured the floors for a few hair follicles after he left, but that wouldn’t have been right. So we told him about our research and asked him and he said no. Can’t say that I blame him. Not sure I’d want another one of me walking around somewhere either while I was still around.”
“So wait a minute, are you telling me that it’s still possible? That if you somehow had his permission that you could still do it?”
Dr. Richter waivered.
“In theory yes, but practically speaking it’s just not possible. It’s not a problem that he died; the problem is how he died. He was vaporized in a nuclear blast. Any DNA that survived would have been scattered over a 200-mile radius.”
Meg shot up off the couch, her eyes wide.
“But if you had an intact sample; something that was pure and undoubtedly his . . .”
“If I had that and a few million dollars to get my lab up and running again, I could make you another Captain Invincible in less than 6 months.”
“I can do that.”
“What? How?”
But Meg had already hung up the phone. She raced into her bedroom and to the wall safe. She knew just what she was after. She reached in and grabbed the jewelry bag. Who knew that something much more valuable than diamonds was inside? Certainly even a superhero, in the act of crushing a lump of coal into a diamond, would shed a few skin flakes, right? Meg removed the bag gingerly and walked over to the table. She dug out a magnifying glass and began her search. Somewhere in this bag she would find a piece of Terry to bring to Dr. Richter. It was hard to imagine that something so tiny could have the power to change the world forever.
The next day she called Dr. Richter to tell him she thought that she had what he needed. He told her that he woke up this morning and discovered another envelope slipped under his door. In it was a check for $5 million.
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Evil Genius (Part 14)
Chapter 2
If Ivan was forced to sign one more form or hold one more meeting today, he was convinced that the fury which was welling up within him was such that his head would explode. He did not mean this metaphorically either. He truly believed that with just one more slight nudge over the edge there would be one final primal scream and then the walls in the Oval office would suddenly be covered in his blood and gray matter. But what bothered him most about that thought was that it was actually accompanied by a sense of relief.
Almost as if on cue, the door opened and his chief assistant Walters walked in. Sure enough, he was carrying another one of those god-damned, motherfucking, triplicated spawns of Satan in his hands.
“Sir, we need authorization for the new highway bypass through Cleveland. And we’ve been in contact with Rio and they need permission to expand the oil pipeline another couple of miles . . .”
Walters stopped short because he noticed a look that could cut diamonds coming from the face of the Doctor. Ivan had been somewhat tamed but he would never be fully domesticated. The Mall no longer held thousands of disembodied heads but he was still very capable of making a man disappear without a trace. Walters decided to retreat from the precipice.
“…but of course that can wait till tomorrow. Just wanted to give you a heads up, your Excellency.”
Ivan knew he was being patronized, but at least that meant his temper was still something to be feared. He might only be a neutered shell of his former self, but he still had teeth. He sighed and relented, something that was becoming more and more of a habit lately.
“No, give them to me. I’ll take care of them.” He read through the forms, signed them, and Walters was on his way.
He had to appreciate the irony. He was the undisputed ruler of the Earth. As such, no major decision was made without his consent. But because of that, he spent almost all of his waking hours being bombarded with what amounted to low-level bureaucratic decisions to the point where he felt like little more than a secretary. Why the hell did he care that a new nuclear plant needed to be commissioned in Moscow, or that the fisheries were being overfished in Nova Scotia, or that a crippling bacon shortage had broken out in Nashville(6)? But ceding power was not in his nature, so he insisted on remaining at the center of it all.
His bribery plan had been brilliant. In fact it had succeeded beyond his or anyone else’s wildest dreams. It turned out that utterly destroying the world’s technology and economy was just what everyone needed. People had a new appreciation for the simple things like electricity, hot water, Perfect Brownie pans, and electric nose hair trimmers.
During the downward spiral, all manner of feisty individuals had seen fit to challenge the Doctor. Whether they fancied themselves new super-heroes, ideological or theological soldiers, or just plain anarchists the Doctor had taken on all comers and emerged victorious. The result was that the greater population of Earth was now more passive than at any other point in human history, and were only too happy to be led back into the light of outlet malls and all-u-can eat sushi bars.
Truth be told, in a lot of ways things were better than they had ever been. With the religious zealots gone, half of the reason for major conflicts no longer existed. And the fact that there were no more territorial borders to fight over - now that everything was under the rule of Doctor Destructo - pretty much eliminated the reason for the other 50% of major conflicts. Sure there was still petty crime to be dealt with, but since the Doctor was also the ultimate head of the judicial system, very few people were willing to act up enough to land on his radar.
And so Ivan sat, day after day, signing forms authorizing new construction projects, building renovations, wildlife refuges, hunting licenses, eel hatcheries, moose crossings – the list went on and on. When he finally got a request to approve construction for the Norman Rockwell Commemorative Dinner Plate Museum, he was convinced that they were making this shit up. He flew out to the proposed dig site just so he could catch the lying bastards trying to take advantage of him. But it turns out that the people of Dayton, Ohio just really, really like Norman Rockwell and his related fine china. He approved it with the sole intent of blowing it up on the day of its grand opening.
A few minutes passed and Walters was in the office again, this time with a stack of forms.
“Sir, would you like to be briefed on these now or shall I save them for tomorrow?”
Ivan had had enough. Not just for today, not for tomorrow; he had had enough period.
“You know what Walters? You handle them. I’m going for a walk”
And with that the Doctor was out of the office, out the back door of Skull Manor, and across the back lawn.
(6) - Actually, when this one had occurred he had instantly given it top priority.
If Ivan was forced to sign one more form or hold one more meeting today, he was convinced that the fury which was welling up within him was such that his head would explode. He did not mean this metaphorically either. He truly believed that with just one more slight nudge over the edge there would be one final primal scream and then the walls in the Oval office would suddenly be covered in his blood and gray matter. But what bothered him most about that thought was that it was actually accompanied by a sense of relief.
Almost as if on cue, the door opened and his chief assistant Walters walked in. Sure enough, he was carrying another one of those god-damned, motherfucking, triplicated spawns of Satan in his hands.
“Sir, we need authorization for the new highway bypass through Cleveland. And we’ve been in contact with Rio and they need permission to expand the oil pipeline another couple of miles . . .”
Walters stopped short because he noticed a look that could cut diamonds coming from the face of the Doctor. Ivan had been somewhat tamed but he would never be fully domesticated. The Mall no longer held thousands of disembodied heads but he was still very capable of making a man disappear without a trace. Walters decided to retreat from the precipice.
“…but of course that can wait till tomorrow. Just wanted to give you a heads up, your Excellency.”
Ivan knew he was being patronized, but at least that meant his temper was still something to be feared. He might only be a neutered shell of his former self, but he still had teeth. He sighed and relented, something that was becoming more and more of a habit lately.
“No, give them to me. I’ll take care of them.” He read through the forms, signed them, and Walters was on his way.
He had to appreciate the irony. He was the undisputed ruler of the Earth. As such, no major decision was made without his consent. But because of that, he spent almost all of his waking hours being bombarded with what amounted to low-level bureaucratic decisions to the point where he felt like little more than a secretary. Why the hell did he care that a new nuclear plant needed to be commissioned in Moscow, or that the fisheries were being overfished in Nova Scotia, or that a crippling bacon shortage had broken out in Nashville(6)? But ceding power was not in his nature, so he insisted on remaining at the center of it all.
His bribery plan had been brilliant. In fact it had succeeded beyond his or anyone else’s wildest dreams. It turned out that utterly destroying the world’s technology and economy was just what everyone needed. People had a new appreciation for the simple things like electricity, hot water, Perfect Brownie pans, and electric nose hair trimmers.
During the downward spiral, all manner of feisty individuals had seen fit to challenge the Doctor. Whether they fancied themselves new super-heroes, ideological or theological soldiers, or just plain anarchists the Doctor had taken on all comers and emerged victorious. The result was that the greater population of Earth was now more passive than at any other point in human history, and were only too happy to be led back into the light of outlet malls and all-u-can eat sushi bars.
Truth be told, in a lot of ways things were better than they had ever been. With the religious zealots gone, half of the reason for major conflicts no longer existed. And the fact that there were no more territorial borders to fight over - now that everything was under the rule of Doctor Destructo - pretty much eliminated the reason for the other 50% of major conflicts. Sure there was still petty crime to be dealt with, but since the Doctor was also the ultimate head of the judicial system, very few people were willing to act up enough to land on his radar.
And so Ivan sat, day after day, signing forms authorizing new construction projects, building renovations, wildlife refuges, hunting licenses, eel hatcheries, moose crossings – the list went on and on. When he finally got a request to approve construction for the Norman Rockwell Commemorative Dinner Plate Museum, he was convinced that they were making this shit up. He flew out to the proposed dig site just so he could catch the lying bastards trying to take advantage of him. But it turns out that the people of Dayton, Ohio just really, really like Norman Rockwell and his related fine china. He approved it with the sole intent of blowing it up on the day of its grand opening.
A few minutes passed and Walters was in the office again, this time with a stack of forms.
“Sir, would you like to be briefed on these now or shall I save them for tomorrow?”
Ivan had had enough. Not just for today, not for tomorrow; he had had enough period.
“You know what Walters? You handle them. I’m going for a walk”
And with that the Doctor was out of the office, out the back door of Skull Manor, and across the back lawn.
(6) - Actually, when this one had occurred he had instantly given it top priority.
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Evil Genius (Part 13)
Update: It's 9:41 P.M. and less than 2 minutes ago I just finished the book/novel/novella/story/whatever the hell it is. The important thing is that it's done (or at least the first draft of it is). Yay me! Probably about another 4 or 5 parts to post. I might put them up quicker than once a week now that I don't need the time to write it any more. We'll see. Alright, back to our regularly scheduled program.
Part 4: One year later
Chapter 1
Meg still did not understand why she was still alive, but she had long stopped wondering about it.
After the visit from the Doctor on what was to be her last night amongst the living, she had been moved over to the Four Seasons along with everyone else. The Doctor had not visited her again, and no one else bothered to enlighten her as to why she had been granted this stay of execution. She was escorted to her room and the door was locked behind her.
And there she sat, day after day, week after week. Each day she had 3 meals delivered to her room, and once per week she was handcuffed to the bed while a maid changed all her sheets. All in all, except for the mind-numbing boredom, it wasn’t a bad existence. Especially taking into account that she was supposed to be dead.
From the view out her window, she could see the city starting to come back to life. Where in the beginning only roving bands of gangs and looters could be heard milling the streets, slowly but surely the idle chatter of pedestrians began to replace it. Soon after, traffic resumed with all its telltale sounds and smells. Then one day Meg looked out and realized that Pennsylvania Ave. looked and sounded pretty much as she had remembered it 2 years ago.
She still hadn’t seen or heard from the Doctor, nor was she getting any information from her guards. Confused at what was responsible for this turnaround and frustrated at the complete absence of information, she finally decided to take matters into her own hands. She set her mind to escaping.
She estimated that she was on the 5th or 6th floor, not an automatically lethal distance but certainly far enough to not want to chance it. She began by calculating the length of rope she could make by employing the various towels and linens in the room and found they only afforded her about 25 feet. That still left her with 25 to 35 feet to drop – still too far. She leaned out the window and calculated how thick the ledge was (9 inches) and how far it was to the corner of the building (about 13 feet). She thought that if she could maybe get to the corner, which involved transversing a stone gargoyle directly in her path, she could possibly shimmy up the corner piping up to the next floor. At that point she’d either hope for an open window on the next floor or, in the worst case scenario, continue floor by floor till she got to the roof. At that point she was fairly confident that she could find a staircase, stealthily make her way down to the ground floor, find a back door – either through the kitchen or garage – and gain her freedom.
In the end, she abandoned that plan for a slightly simpler one. She walked to the door of her room and turned the handle. It turned effortlessly and the door opened with no resistance. She slowly peeked her head out of the door just in case a guard was stationed nearby, but somehow she knew there wouldn’t be. Sure enough, the hallway was empty. She shook her head slowly and softly asked herself, “who’s a stupid girl now?”.
When she was a child, the Courtland family had a dog named Cupcake. A little black labradoodle. Rather than ruin the detailed landscaping that they meticulously tended with a mesh or picket fence, Meg’s dad opted for the invisible electric fence instead. One of those where the dog wore a special collar and if they wandered too far from the house they’d get a little shock. After a couple of weeks and more than a few gentle jolts, Cupcake learned with great precision exactly where she could and could not tread. A couple years passed, and one day Meg took off the collar to give Cupcake a bath. Only she forgot to put it back on again. When she finally realized this a couple of days later, the entire family was astonished to see that Cupcake was still respecting the boundaries of the fence, even though there was now absolutely nothing containing her. She had simply learned that those were the limits of her territory and saw no further reason to test it. So from that day forward they simply left the collar off. Meg found all of this so humorous that she delighted in telling all her friends and neighbors about what a sweet, dumb dog they had. Cupcake would hear Meg talking about her and come running over with her tail wagging all the way. And Meg would playfully grab her snout and put her face next to hers while cooing in a high-pitched babytalk, “Who’s a stupid girl? You are; yes you are! You’re our stupid little girl!”
There was no doubt who the stupid girl was now. Cupcake’s revenge.
It could have all been an accident, but Meg didn’t think so. She had the feeling that she’d simply been trivialized, and that although the idea of the Doctor actually pardoning someone was completely unthinkable, this was his way of doing it without doing it. The equivalent of the teacher “accidentally” leaving the world map up on the board during the geography test. She still had no idea what she’d done to help him and the thought of it still haunted her, but this was one gift she was not going to refuse.
Having decided this with certainty within a few seconds of appearing in the hallway, she saw no reason not to test it. Instead of the back stairs, she walked confidently towards the elevator and pressed the down arrow. After a few seconds she heard the familiar ding, saw the button light blip off and the doors slowly opened. It was empty, and Meg couldn’t decide if she felt relief or disappointment. She pressed the button and 10 seconds later was standing in the lobby. Here about a dozen people, a mix of employees and customers, were milling about. If any were members of Destructo’s personal security detail, they showed no outward sign of it. None gave her a second glance as she covered the 30 feet from the elevator bank to the front door. With a push and a whoosh she was through the revolving door and out onto the street. And just like that, for the first time in more than 18 months Meg Courtland was free.
Part 4: One year later
Chapter 1
Meg still did not understand why she was still alive, but she had long stopped wondering about it.
After the visit from the Doctor on what was to be her last night amongst the living, she had been moved over to the Four Seasons along with everyone else. The Doctor had not visited her again, and no one else bothered to enlighten her as to why she had been granted this stay of execution. She was escorted to her room and the door was locked behind her.
And there she sat, day after day, week after week. Each day she had 3 meals delivered to her room, and once per week she was handcuffed to the bed while a maid changed all her sheets. All in all, except for the mind-numbing boredom, it wasn’t a bad existence. Especially taking into account that she was supposed to be dead.
From the view out her window, she could see the city starting to come back to life. Where in the beginning only roving bands of gangs and looters could be heard milling the streets, slowly but surely the idle chatter of pedestrians began to replace it. Soon after, traffic resumed with all its telltale sounds and smells. Then one day Meg looked out and realized that Pennsylvania Ave. looked and sounded pretty much as she had remembered it 2 years ago.
She still hadn’t seen or heard from the Doctor, nor was she getting any information from her guards. Confused at what was responsible for this turnaround and frustrated at the complete absence of information, she finally decided to take matters into her own hands. She set her mind to escaping.
She estimated that she was on the 5th or 6th floor, not an automatically lethal distance but certainly far enough to not want to chance it. She began by calculating the length of rope she could make by employing the various towels and linens in the room and found they only afforded her about 25 feet. That still left her with 25 to 35 feet to drop – still too far. She leaned out the window and calculated how thick the ledge was (9 inches) and how far it was to the corner of the building (about 13 feet). She thought that if she could maybe get to the corner, which involved transversing a stone gargoyle directly in her path, she could possibly shimmy up the corner piping up to the next floor. At that point she’d either hope for an open window on the next floor or, in the worst case scenario, continue floor by floor till she got to the roof. At that point she was fairly confident that she could find a staircase, stealthily make her way down to the ground floor, find a back door – either through the kitchen or garage – and gain her freedom.
In the end, she abandoned that plan for a slightly simpler one. She walked to the door of her room and turned the handle. It turned effortlessly and the door opened with no resistance. She slowly peeked her head out of the door just in case a guard was stationed nearby, but somehow she knew there wouldn’t be. Sure enough, the hallway was empty. She shook her head slowly and softly asked herself, “who’s a stupid girl now?”.
When she was a child, the Courtland family had a dog named Cupcake. A little black labradoodle. Rather than ruin the detailed landscaping that they meticulously tended with a mesh or picket fence, Meg’s dad opted for the invisible electric fence instead. One of those where the dog wore a special collar and if they wandered too far from the house they’d get a little shock. After a couple of weeks and more than a few gentle jolts, Cupcake learned with great precision exactly where she could and could not tread. A couple years passed, and one day Meg took off the collar to give Cupcake a bath. Only she forgot to put it back on again. When she finally realized this a couple of days later, the entire family was astonished to see that Cupcake was still respecting the boundaries of the fence, even though there was now absolutely nothing containing her. She had simply learned that those were the limits of her territory and saw no further reason to test it. So from that day forward they simply left the collar off. Meg found all of this so humorous that she delighted in telling all her friends and neighbors about what a sweet, dumb dog they had. Cupcake would hear Meg talking about her and come running over with her tail wagging all the way. And Meg would playfully grab her snout and put her face next to hers while cooing in a high-pitched babytalk, “Who’s a stupid girl? You are; yes you are! You’re our stupid little girl!”
There was no doubt who the stupid girl was now. Cupcake’s revenge.
It could have all been an accident, but Meg didn’t think so. She had the feeling that she’d simply been trivialized, and that although the idea of the Doctor actually pardoning someone was completely unthinkable, this was his way of doing it without doing it. The equivalent of the teacher “accidentally” leaving the world map up on the board during the geography test. She still had no idea what she’d done to help him and the thought of it still haunted her, but this was one gift she was not going to refuse.
Having decided this with certainty within a few seconds of appearing in the hallway, she saw no reason not to test it. Instead of the back stairs, she walked confidently towards the elevator and pressed the down arrow. After a few seconds she heard the familiar ding, saw the button light blip off and the doors slowly opened. It was empty, and Meg couldn’t decide if she felt relief or disappointment. She pressed the button and 10 seconds later was standing in the lobby. Here about a dozen people, a mix of employees and customers, were milling about. If any were members of Destructo’s personal security detail, they showed no outward sign of it. None gave her a second glance as she covered the 30 feet from the elevator bank to the front door. With a push and a whoosh she was through the revolving door and out onto the street. And just like that, for the first time in more than 18 months Meg Courtland was free.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Evil Genius (Part 12)
Chapter 4
The next day, Ivan gathered all of his henchmen into the press briefing room. Just 100 muscle-bound, thick-necked Neanderthals standing shoulder to shoulder in the tiny space. Very few of them spoke; they were excited and more than a little nervous. A gathering like this could only mean very good or very bad news. Very bad news meant anything up to and including all of their deaths. And with very good news, the only benefit might be relief that it wasn’t very bad news.
The small amount of chatter immediately ceased as Doctor Destructo walked regally into the room and up to the podium. He sensed the undertone of anxiety in the room. As usual, he reveled in it. On most days, he would do all he could to heighten this tension and unease, but today did not call for that. Today called for exactly the opposite.
“My loyal servants and, dare I say, friends – thank you for coming here today.”
Now there was a great deal of confusion in the crowd. They had rarely ever been thanked, and had certainly never been called friends.
“I’ve asked you all here today because while we have achieved everything that we sat out to do lo those many years ago, it is now time to embark upon a new era. With your help, I have proven to the whole world that they are powerless against me and that mine is the only will that matters. And in my hands I have taken this world and all that the pathetic masses of peasants hold dear and broken it as if it was nothing more than a twig. This world now lies in ruin.”
Few in the audience would disagree with that. But what was so puzzling was the fact that the Doctor seemed so please about it. Though they would never have dared to say it out loud, the Doctor had seemed increasingly despondent over the world’s slow decay. It seemed as though his plan, at least in as much as he had ever shared it with them, had been to take his place atop the power food chain and preside over the Earth as it was. But had this been the plan all along? To install himself at the seat of power and then destroy it all? Yes, they seemed to all reach the same conclusion almost at once. That had to have been the plan, because why else would the Doctor stand before them now and seem so pleased about it?
“My friends, now that we have forever proven our strength and conviction so that no one could ever doubt either, now is the time to rebuild this world. To make it greater than it ever was; to prove that my power is only exceeded by my intelligence and leadership.”
Now heads were nodding, and some applause broke out. This was good, very good. Only the most perceptive of the bunch bothered to wonder the obvious question: how? But Ivan was just getting warmed up.
“This will not be accomplished overnight, and it will certainly not be easy. But make no mistake that it will happen. Just as my ascension to this position was inevitable, so too is this. I promise that you will all live(4) to see this world rise and stand tall on the wings of my dreams. I have seen the mountaintop, and I promise you that we will get there. Because when the going gets tough, the tough get going.”
Now the crowd was really going. Soft murmurs of assent had turned into wild cheering, clapping, hooting, and hollering. If he had asked, right now they would have all gladly gouged their own eyes out for him without a second thought. Such is the persuasive combination of hackneyed clichés, groupthink, and single-digit IQs. Now that Ivan had them, it was time to mobilize them.
“Tonight we will celebrate the grand reopening of the Four Seasons hotel. We will get the basement generator fired up there and tonight we will all sleep in luxurious air conditioning and have a great feast. Furthermore, I want you to send the word out that anyone who has experience in hotel service, be it concierge, maid, cook, or waiter is welcome to come as well. In exchange for a day’s work, they and their families can also sleep in the hotel and share the feast. This is only the beginning. This will be our lives from now on – a life of luxury and comfort. Now go; go forth my friends, and let the Destructofication of the world begin!”
A great roar went up from the crowd as they charged out of the room. Within 30 seconds, it was just Ivan and the podium in the room. He gathered his notes, smiled to the empty room, and began to laugh.
He hated to give credit, but some was definitely due here. That Courtland woman, through all her bile and insolence, had hit upon an inescapable truth. To this point in his life and career as a master criminal he had accomplished everything through intimidation. In fact there was no one more fearsome or intimidating than he. He had built everything upon a foundation which assumed that everyone valued a life, whether it was their own or someone else’s. Therefore he could achieve success by taking or threatening to take that life. But, as much as it pained him to admit it, take away that threat and he was a piss poor motivator. He was all stick and no carrot. But it wasn’t until she had spelled it out for him that he had understood it with such clarity.
So now, through necessity, he would reinvent himself. He would introduce the carrot. He started with a new foundation – that what people now valued was a return to the meaningless and vacuous lives they had led before he had come to power. He could give them that, and in the process restore the luxury and meaning to his own life that he had imagined for himself.
That first night at the Four Seasons had gone well. Very well in fact. Morale was higher than it had been in months. The initial response for hotel staff had been lukewarm. After all, who wants to work for an employer who is a slave-driver, considers you easily replaceable, and will never appreciate or value who you are or anything you do. However, this was quickly overcome once everyone remembered that this pretty much described every boss and company they’d ever worked for, so what was the difference? Within a week the hotel was fully staffed.
Following that, Ivan sent out word that anyone who had worked at the electric company was welcome to stay in the Four Seasons as well if they returned to work immediately. The response was so overwhelming that within 2 days he had to provide another generator and open up the Ritz-Carlton as well. Within two weeks power was restored to the entire city.
Now the domino effect started to work in reverse. Within a month, Ivan had fired up the presses at the U.S. mint and the Destructo dollar was born. Ivan set the first prices for all the major goods. This allowed the rural farming communities to start coming in from the city to trade their surplus crops and meat. Very slowly a sense of normalcy started to return to the area.
Next, Ivan tackled the oil pipelines. Since this was an interstate job he used some of the dwindling fuel supply to fly Air Force One into all the major cities between DC and the Gulf. In each one he used the same model as DC – first giving a small group of people a taste of luxury, then slowly broadening it once some trust was obtained, and finally introducing a supply of the new currency and letting the economy take off on its own power. Within 3 months the entire East coast was living in a manner which, to the outside observer, looked almost indistinguishable from the lifestyle they had lived before the collapse.
Once again, the Doctor held a meeting in the Skull Manor press room. But this time, it was a meeting comprised of the most highly skilled and intelligent lieutenants he had acquired over the previous months. He told them that they’d all be boarding private jets in the coming days and weeks. It was time to bring the plan that had revived Destructopolis(5) to the rest of the country and then the world.
Yes, he definitely had to hand it to Meg Courtland. Bribery was definitely the way to get things done.
(4) - He assumed that it went without saying that he didn’t mean this literally.
(5) - Washington D.C.’s new name
The next day, Ivan gathered all of his henchmen into the press briefing room. Just 100 muscle-bound, thick-necked Neanderthals standing shoulder to shoulder in the tiny space. Very few of them spoke; they were excited and more than a little nervous. A gathering like this could only mean very good or very bad news. Very bad news meant anything up to and including all of their deaths. And with very good news, the only benefit might be relief that it wasn’t very bad news.
The small amount of chatter immediately ceased as Doctor Destructo walked regally into the room and up to the podium. He sensed the undertone of anxiety in the room. As usual, he reveled in it. On most days, he would do all he could to heighten this tension and unease, but today did not call for that. Today called for exactly the opposite.
“My loyal servants and, dare I say, friends – thank you for coming here today.”
Now there was a great deal of confusion in the crowd. They had rarely ever been thanked, and had certainly never been called friends.
“I’ve asked you all here today because while we have achieved everything that we sat out to do lo those many years ago, it is now time to embark upon a new era. With your help, I have proven to the whole world that they are powerless against me and that mine is the only will that matters. And in my hands I have taken this world and all that the pathetic masses of peasants hold dear and broken it as if it was nothing more than a twig. This world now lies in ruin.”
Few in the audience would disagree with that. But what was so puzzling was the fact that the Doctor seemed so please about it. Though they would never have dared to say it out loud, the Doctor had seemed increasingly despondent over the world’s slow decay. It seemed as though his plan, at least in as much as he had ever shared it with them, had been to take his place atop the power food chain and preside over the Earth as it was. But had this been the plan all along? To install himself at the seat of power and then destroy it all? Yes, they seemed to all reach the same conclusion almost at once. That had to have been the plan, because why else would the Doctor stand before them now and seem so pleased about it?
“My friends, now that we have forever proven our strength and conviction so that no one could ever doubt either, now is the time to rebuild this world. To make it greater than it ever was; to prove that my power is only exceeded by my intelligence and leadership.”
Now heads were nodding, and some applause broke out. This was good, very good. Only the most perceptive of the bunch bothered to wonder the obvious question: how? But Ivan was just getting warmed up.
“This will not be accomplished overnight, and it will certainly not be easy. But make no mistake that it will happen. Just as my ascension to this position was inevitable, so too is this. I promise that you will all live(4) to see this world rise and stand tall on the wings of my dreams. I have seen the mountaintop, and I promise you that we will get there. Because when the going gets tough, the tough get going.”
Now the crowd was really going. Soft murmurs of assent had turned into wild cheering, clapping, hooting, and hollering. If he had asked, right now they would have all gladly gouged their own eyes out for him without a second thought. Such is the persuasive combination of hackneyed clichés, groupthink, and single-digit IQs. Now that Ivan had them, it was time to mobilize them.
“Tonight we will celebrate the grand reopening of the Four Seasons hotel. We will get the basement generator fired up there and tonight we will all sleep in luxurious air conditioning and have a great feast. Furthermore, I want you to send the word out that anyone who has experience in hotel service, be it concierge, maid, cook, or waiter is welcome to come as well. In exchange for a day’s work, they and their families can also sleep in the hotel and share the feast. This is only the beginning. This will be our lives from now on – a life of luxury and comfort. Now go; go forth my friends, and let the Destructofication of the world begin!”
A great roar went up from the crowd as they charged out of the room. Within 30 seconds, it was just Ivan and the podium in the room. He gathered his notes, smiled to the empty room, and began to laugh.
He hated to give credit, but some was definitely due here. That Courtland woman, through all her bile and insolence, had hit upon an inescapable truth. To this point in his life and career as a master criminal he had accomplished everything through intimidation. In fact there was no one more fearsome or intimidating than he. He had built everything upon a foundation which assumed that everyone valued a life, whether it was their own or someone else’s. Therefore he could achieve success by taking or threatening to take that life. But, as much as it pained him to admit it, take away that threat and he was a piss poor motivator. He was all stick and no carrot. But it wasn’t until she had spelled it out for him that he had understood it with such clarity.
So now, through necessity, he would reinvent himself. He would introduce the carrot. He started with a new foundation – that what people now valued was a return to the meaningless and vacuous lives they had led before he had come to power. He could give them that, and in the process restore the luxury and meaning to his own life that he had imagined for himself.
That first night at the Four Seasons had gone well. Very well in fact. Morale was higher than it had been in months. The initial response for hotel staff had been lukewarm. After all, who wants to work for an employer who is a slave-driver, considers you easily replaceable, and will never appreciate or value who you are or anything you do. However, this was quickly overcome once everyone remembered that this pretty much described every boss and company they’d ever worked for, so what was the difference? Within a week the hotel was fully staffed.
Following that, Ivan sent out word that anyone who had worked at the electric company was welcome to stay in the Four Seasons as well if they returned to work immediately. The response was so overwhelming that within 2 days he had to provide another generator and open up the Ritz-Carlton as well. Within two weeks power was restored to the entire city.
Now the domino effect started to work in reverse. Within a month, Ivan had fired up the presses at the U.S. mint and the Destructo dollar was born. Ivan set the first prices for all the major goods. This allowed the rural farming communities to start coming in from the city to trade their surplus crops and meat. Very slowly a sense of normalcy started to return to the area.
Next, Ivan tackled the oil pipelines. Since this was an interstate job he used some of the dwindling fuel supply to fly Air Force One into all the major cities between DC and the Gulf. In each one he used the same model as DC – first giving a small group of people a taste of luxury, then slowly broadening it once some trust was obtained, and finally introducing a supply of the new currency and letting the economy take off on its own power. Within 3 months the entire East coast was living in a manner which, to the outside observer, looked almost indistinguishable from the lifestyle they had lived before the collapse.
Once again, the Doctor held a meeting in the Skull Manor press room. But this time, it was a meeting comprised of the most highly skilled and intelligent lieutenants he had acquired over the previous months. He told them that they’d all be boarding private jets in the coming days and weeks. It was time to bring the plan that had revived Destructopolis(5) to the rest of the country and then the world.
Yes, he definitely had to hand it to Meg Courtland. Bribery was definitely the way to get things done.
(4) - He assumed that it went without saying that he didn’t mean this literally.
(5) - Washington D.C.’s new name
Friday, June 17, 2011
Evil Genius (Part 11)
Chapter 3
Meg sat on the cot in the bedroom that was her prison and carefully rewrapped her wrist in the ace bandage. The idiot guards weren’t much for medical care. In fact they weren’t much for anything except following orders, preferably those involving putting their meaty, oversized fists into some poor sap’s nether regions or dragging some even more unfortunate soul by the hair out to the chopping block.
That thought made her pause mid-wrap. Tomorrow that unfortunate soul was going to be her.
She had made peace with that fact, but that didn’t make her indifferent to it. Even if this was hell on Earth and each day was agony, who knew what the alternative was? Then, of course, there was the anxiety involving the actual procedure itself. They say that decapitation is quick and painless. But they were also the same geniuses who at one time had decided that the Earth was flat, that leeches could cure diseases, and that the best thing for those nagging headaches was a simple frontal lobotomy. There was no getting around the fact that quite often, they ended up being completely full of shit.
But best now to put all that out of her head. She had made up her mind and that was the end of it. All she could do now was make herself as comfortable as possible and maybe try to think of one final way to slit Ivan’s wretched throat as she was led to her execution. And with that pleasant thought in her head, she resumed wrapping her aching wrist and finished just as her door opened and The Doctor stepped into the room.
Instantly her pulse quickened and her blood started to boil with revulsion, but she remained silent. She loathed his presence with every fiber of her being. The only thing that helped her maintain even a fraction of her composure was constantly picturing that stupid smug face of his drenched in a pool of his own blood.
But as he approached her, she saw that there was something different about him tonight. The walk, a mixture of pride and cockiness, was the same. The steely gaze was as piercing as ever. Yet, there seemed to be something else just behind it. If she didn’t already know that it wasn’t possible, she’d have sworn that Ivan the Destructor was actually scared.
He stopped a few feet from her and looked down at her.
“I’ve come tonight because, even though it goes against every impulse in my body, I’m willing to be merciful and grant you another opportunity to recant your previous refusal and carry on with our prior arrangement.”
Meg leaned back and rested on her good hand and looked up at him somewhat inquisitively. Definitely something different about him.
“Is that so?”
“Yes”
Meg laughed out loud, surprising both of them.
“This really bothers you doesn’t it? You destroyed the most powerful man on the planet and brought the world to its knees, but you just can’t stand the idea that someone actually said ‘no’ to you and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Meg was sure that this outburst was going to get her slapped, if not executed right here on the spot. Or at the very least that he was going to cut her off abruptly or walk out of the room. Instead he just stood their silently with a puzzled look on his face. So she continued, gathering steam as she went.
“God, you’re like a toddler being told to put the candy down. This is your version of a temper tantrum isn’t it? You just haven’t the first idea what makes people tick. I’m not talking about heroes like Terry, or ego-maniacs like Presidents and CEOs. I mean regular ordinary people that get up every morning and go to work not because they want to or because they think it’ll bring them riches or glamour but because there are people that love them and depend on them and that’s what they have to do to make sure that those people don’t starve and have someplace warm and dry to sleep. It’s called altruism you sad, miserable excuse for a man. But you wouldn’t know the meaning of the word if someone painted it on the side of a 100-foot cruise missile and shoved it up your ass. Oh no; if you can’t blow-up, maim, poison, rape, pillage, or stab it you’re just completely clueless. Other than actually doing one of those the only other arrow in your quiver is threatening to do one of those. Well, I’ve got news for you jackass. Threats only work on people who have something to lose, and you’ve already taken everything from me. My friends, family, career, Terry - they’re all gone thanks to you. The last thing you can take from me is my life, and I’ll gladly give it to you rather than have to endure that pompous smug look on your face for one more day! So that’s it Doctor, this is one round you don’t win because your arsenal is empty.”
She hadn’t so much said the words as chewed on them and spat them out. By the time she was finished she was out of breath and trembling, but she felt incredible. Whatever happened to her now, she would know that she had looked pure evil in the face, laughed at it, and told it how small it really was. There was some small morsel of triumph in that.
Now Ivan, still silent, slowly turned and walked over to the chair on the far side of the room and sat down. He leaned his head against the wall and fixed his gaze on her. No - not on her, Meg decided – through her. There was a vacant and distant look in his eyes, like he was somewhere else, and suddenly Meg was reminded of the night she had snuck up behind him in the Oval office and almost slit his throat. Now, with a tilt of his head and a slight adjustment to his gaze, he was back and looking at her.
“What about bribery?” He asked, simply.
Meg almost laughed again.
“Bribery?!?! Are you joking, or just terminally stupid? Have you not listened to a word I’ve said? You have taken everything that I care about in this world from me, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. What is it that you think you could possibly offer me that I would care about, short of your own head on a stick on the Mall?”
But instead of taking it in the mocking and insulting manner in which she had meant it, he seemed to have found her remark rather amusing. He smiled that famous icy half-sneer and slowly shook his head.
“Nothing, I suppose. To you, I can’t offer anything at all.”
And with that he stood up and made his way to the door and opened it. Without turning, he said, “Thank you Ms. Cortland, you’ve earned the right to keep your head for at least another night.”
As the door closed and bolted behind him, a feeling of dread washed over her. She had no idea how it had happened, but somehow in all that had just transpired she felt that she had someohow managed to help out Dr. Destructo. She immediately ran into the bathroom and threw up.
Meg sat on the cot in the bedroom that was her prison and carefully rewrapped her wrist in the ace bandage. The idiot guards weren’t much for medical care. In fact they weren’t much for anything except following orders, preferably those involving putting their meaty, oversized fists into some poor sap’s nether regions or dragging some even more unfortunate soul by the hair out to the chopping block.
That thought made her pause mid-wrap. Tomorrow that unfortunate soul was going to be her.
She had made peace with that fact, but that didn’t make her indifferent to it. Even if this was hell on Earth and each day was agony, who knew what the alternative was? Then, of course, there was the anxiety involving the actual procedure itself. They say that decapitation is quick and painless. But they were also the same geniuses who at one time had decided that the Earth was flat, that leeches could cure diseases, and that the best thing for those nagging headaches was a simple frontal lobotomy. There was no getting around the fact that quite often, they ended up being completely full of shit.
But best now to put all that out of her head. She had made up her mind and that was the end of it. All she could do now was make herself as comfortable as possible and maybe try to think of one final way to slit Ivan’s wretched throat as she was led to her execution. And with that pleasant thought in her head, she resumed wrapping her aching wrist and finished just as her door opened and The Doctor stepped into the room.
Instantly her pulse quickened and her blood started to boil with revulsion, but she remained silent. She loathed his presence with every fiber of her being. The only thing that helped her maintain even a fraction of her composure was constantly picturing that stupid smug face of his drenched in a pool of his own blood.
But as he approached her, she saw that there was something different about him tonight. The walk, a mixture of pride and cockiness, was the same. The steely gaze was as piercing as ever. Yet, there seemed to be something else just behind it. If she didn’t already know that it wasn’t possible, she’d have sworn that Ivan the Destructor was actually scared.
He stopped a few feet from her and looked down at her.
“I’ve come tonight because, even though it goes against every impulse in my body, I’m willing to be merciful and grant you another opportunity to recant your previous refusal and carry on with our prior arrangement.”
Meg leaned back and rested on her good hand and looked up at him somewhat inquisitively. Definitely something different about him.
“Is that so?”
“Yes”
Meg laughed out loud, surprising both of them.
“This really bothers you doesn’t it? You destroyed the most powerful man on the planet and brought the world to its knees, but you just can’t stand the idea that someone actually said ‘no’ to you and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Meg was sure that this outburst was going to get her slapped, if not executed right here on the spot. Or at the very least that he was going to cut her off abruptly or walk out of the room. Instead he just stood their silently with a puzzled look on his face. So she continued, gathering steam as she went.
“God, you’re like a toddler being told to put the candy down. This is your version of a temper tantrum isn’t it? You just haven’t the first idea what makes people tick. I’m not talking about heroes like Terry, or ego-maniacs like Presidents and CEOs. I mean regular ordinary people that get up every morning and go to work not because they want to or because they think it’ll bring them riches or glamour but because there are people that love them and depend on them and that’s what they have to do to make sure that those people don’t starve and have someplace warm and dry to sleep. It’s called altruism you sad, miserable excuse for a man. But you wouldn’t know the meaning of the word if someone painted it on the side of a 100-foot cruise missile and shoved it up your ass. Oh no; if you can’t blow-up, maim, poison, rape, pillage, or stab it you’re just completely clueless. Other than actually doing one of those the only other arrow in your quiver is threatening to do one of those. Well, I’ve got news for you jackass. Threats only work on people who have something to lose, and you’ve already taken everything from me. My friends, family, career, Terry - they’re all gone thanks to you. The last thing you can take from me is my life, and I’ll gladly give it to you rather than have to endure that pompous smug look on your face for one more day! So that’s it Doctor, this is one round you don’t win because your arsenal is empty.”
She hadn’t so much said the words as chewed on them and spat them out. By the time she was finished she was out of breath and trembling, but she felt incredible. Whatever happened to her now, she would know that she had looked pure evil in the face, laughed at it, and told it how small it really was. There was some small morsel of triumph in that.
Now Ivan, still silent, slowly turned and walked over to the chair on the far side of the room and sat down. He leaned his head against the wall and fixed his gaze on her. No - not on her, Meg decided – through her. There was a vacant and distant look in his eyes, like he was somewhere else, and suddenly Meg was reminded of the night she had snuck up behind him in the Oval office and almost slit his throat. Now, with a tilt of his head and a slight adjustment to his gaze, he was back and looking at her.
“What about bribery?” He asked, simply.
Meg almost laughed again.
“Bribery?!?! Are you joking, or just terminally stupid? Have you not listened to a word I’ve said? You have taken everything that I care about in this world from me, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. What is it that you think you could possibly offer me that I would care about, short of your own head on a stick on the Mall?”
But instead of taking it in the mocking and insulting manner in which she had meant it, he seemed to have found her remark rather amusing. He smiled that famous icy half-sneer and slowly shook his head.
“Nothing, I suppose. To you, I can’t offer anything at all.”
And with that he stood up and made his way to the door and opened it. Without turning, he said, “Thank you Ms. Cortland, you’ve earned the right to keep your head for at least another night.”
As the door closed and bolted behind him, a feeling of dread washed over her. She had no idea how it had happened, but somehow in all that had just transpired she felt that she had someohow managed to help out Dr. Destructo. She immediately ran into the bathroom and threw up.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Evil Genius (Part 10)
Chapter 2
As his henchmen carried Meg across the lawn back to the White House, newly christened Skull Manor in the last month, Ivan followed slowly behind. He was starting to get depressed again and, frankly, almost everyone in the world would agree with him that there was a lot to be depressed about.
Once he had made it clear to everyone that he really, truly didn’t assign even one ounce of value to their lives, most people decided that it was in their best interest to stay as much out of his way as possible. In practical terms this meant emptying out of the cities, since those were the most likely targets the next time someone evoked his wrath, and heading to the vast expanses of rural land in between. Here small bands of people would gather together and, assuming they didn’t kill each other on sight (which happened fairly frequently), form small farming villages and communes. This meant, of course, that within the span of about 2 weeks, 90% of the world’s workforce simply stopped showing up at work. The domino effect to the global economy was swift and absolute. First, money became useless and the barter system was reinstated. Then, with no one but computerized algorithms and the occasional devoted bureaucrat left to run them, all the public utilities started to fail. Cell service went almost immediately, then natural gas followed. Power went out after about 90 days, and finally running water ran no more.
The radio and television airwaves had stayed somewhat active at first, thanks to media moguls with industrial-sized generators and egos as well as battery-operated receivers. But as each day started to more and more resemble the last, with less and less new news trickling in, most people decided that there wasn’t much worth listening to anymore and that there were better uses that their limited supply of batteries could be put to. Young women in particular seemed extremely concerned with protecting the battery reserves. Eventually, the only ones left broadcasting were the same deep-woods hermits who had been on the air predicting the apocalypse for years, but all most of them were doing was gloating and saying “see, they told me I was crazy but look who’s laughing now”. But even though almost all of them said some version of this (even the ones who weren’t actually on the air and had just been talking into pine cones and using tin foil antennas), none of them actually laughed when they said it. The irony was lost on them.
For a while, too, the highways were full of traffic as some folk streamed into cities from the countryside to do some looting while most streamed out to literally search for greener pastures. But with no new oil and gas being delivered and a finite supply in each area, soon most cars became nothing more than road ornaments littering the interstates, or else they were converted into non-mobile homes in a newly-formed shanty-town.
In short, in the span of 6 months the world was sent back to approximately mid-18th century living. The most technically advanced group in the world was now the Amish. Unlike the renegade broadcasters though, this irony was not lost on them. As a group, though, they were probably the least surprised about the recent events. As far as they were concerned, the world had just gone on a 300-year rumspringa and was now finally getting back to where it was supposed to be.
This wasn’t what the Doctor had planned. He had always aspired to be something like an Ayatollah, but ruling the world instead of just one country. And in even the most backwards third-world country, the dictator managed to live in lavish luxury even as his people starved. But this was not the case with him. Sure he had the most powerful generators to provide him with electricity, and more gas to power them than anyone else on Earth. But even his supplies were not infinite, and before too long he’d be on candles and heating oil like the masses already were. And sure he never had to lift a finger to get anything he wanted; the problem was that there simply wasn’t a whole lot of luxury to have. There was very little fresh anything to be had anymore, and more and more he found his dinner consisting of various canned goods. Between their expiration date and his sanity, he really couldn’t guess which would give first. But of all that he had to endure, it was the collapse of indoor plumbing that bothered him the most. The truth is, no matter how powerful one becomes, one does not feel powerful when one is pooping in a bucket.
He had tried to fix these things of course. But, as it turns out, some orders are easier to follow than others. Ordering someone to do a menial task like throwing another log or musician on the fire was a hell of a lot easier than ordering them to “sort out the whole power and plumbing thing.” It wasn’t a question of will. His men would gladly crawl through broken glass on their hands and knees just for the privilege of being the one to take the bullet for him. But, as it happens, the people most suited to that purpose aren’t particularly adept at highly-skilled technical work, nor are they well-suited to seek out the individuals who are.
And so, with little choice in the matter Doctor Destructo, great ruler of the broken machine known as Earth, persevered. His almost-nightly exercise with the Courtland girl had been the highlight of his day the last few months. It’s true that she was hopelessly outmatched and would never succeed, but the weapons he gave her were real enough. And she had come so close to besting him once, wasn’t it at least technically possible that it could happen again? That’s what he told himself anyway, and that thought alone was enough to give him at least some minor thrill of victory each night that he foiled her. Some small daily affirmation that whatever this world had become, he was still the ruler of it.
And now that bitch wanted to take that away from him. He would kill her, of course, because failing to back-up a threat was the beginning of the end for any figure of authority. But her death would give him no pleasure. Just one more head on the Mall.
And, frankly, one more head was not what that Mall needed. What had seemed like such a poetic and symbolic gesture at the time had backfired immensely. When he had first conceived of this grand vision of the heads of one thousand decapitated adversaries on spikes sprawling as far as the eye could see, he had failed to account for his other senses. Specifically, what the heads of a thousand decapitated adversaries might smell like after 3 months of sitting in the hot summer sun. But the Mall wasn’t even the worst of it. Do you know what happens to a lagoon of blood once it’s been allowed to congeal? Ivan did; and as a result all the lagoon-facing windows had been shut and sealed permanently.
As he neared his private entrance to Skull Manor, he was filled with immense fury at what she was doing to him. But more than that, he felt terrified. Because for probably the first time in his life, he really and truly had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do now.
As his henchmen carried Meg across the lawn back to the White House, newly christened Skull Manor in the last month, Ivan followed slowly behind. He was starting to get depressed again and, frankly, almost everyone in the world would agree with him that there was a lot to be depressed about.
Once he had made it clear to everyone that he really, truly didn’t assign even one ounce of value to their lives, most people decided that it was in their best interest to stay as much out of his way as possible. In practical terms this meant emptying out of the cities, since those were the most likely targets the next time someone evoked his wrath, and heading to the vast expanses of rural land in between. Here small bands of people would gather together and, assuming they didn’t kill each other on sight (which happened fairly frequently), form small farming villages and communes. This meant, of course, that within the span of about 2 weeks, 90% of the world’s workforce simply stopped showing up at work. The domino effect to the global economy was swift and absolute. First, money became useless and the barter system was reinstated. Then, with no one but computerized algorithms and the occasional devoted bureaucrat left to run them, all the public utilities started to fail. Cell service went almost immediately, then natural gas followed. Power went out after about 90 days, and finally running water ran no more.
The radio and television airwaves had stayed somewhat active at first, thanks to media moguls with industrial-sized generators and egos as well as battery-operated receivers. But as each day started to more and more resemble the last, with less and less new news trickling in, most people decided that there wasn’t much worth listening to anymore and that there were better uses that their limited supply of batteries could be put to. Young women in particular seemed extremely concerned with protecting the battery reserves. Eventually, the only ones left broadcasting were the same deep-woods hermits who had been on the air predicting the apocalypse for years, but all most of them were doing was gloating and saying “see, they told me I was crazy but look who’s laughing now”. But even though almost all of them said some version of this (even the ones who weren’t actually on the air and had just been talking into pine cones and using tin foil antennas), none of them actually laughed when they said it. The irony was lost on them.
For a while, too, the highways were full of traffic as some folk streamed into cities from the countryside to do some looting while most streamed out to literally search for greener pastures. But with no new oil and gas being delivered and a finite supply in each area, soon most cars became nothing more than road ornaments littering the interstates, or else they were converted into non-mobile homes in a newly-formed shanty-town.
In short, in the span of 6 months the world was sent back to approximately mid-18th century living. The most technically advanced group in the world was now the Amish. Unlike the renegade broadcasters though, this irony was not lost on them. As a group, though, they were probably the least surprised about the recent events. As far as they were concerned, the world had just gone on a 300-year rumspringa and was now finally getting back to where it was supposed to be.
This wasn’t what the Doctor had planned. He had always aspired to be something like an Ayatollah, but ruling the world instead of just one country. And in even the most backwards third-world country, the dictator managed to live in lavish luxury even as his people starved. But this was not the case with him. Sure he had the most powerful generators to provide him with electricity, and more gas to power them than anyone else on Earth. But even his supplies were not infinite, and before too long he’d be on candles and heating oil like the masses already were. And sure he never had to lift a finger to get anything he wanted; the problem was that there simply wasn’t a whole lot of luxury to have. There was very little fresh anything to be had anymore, and more and more he found his dinner consisting of various canned goods. Between their expiration date and his sanity, he really couldn’t guess which would give first. But of all that he had to endure, it was the collapse of indoor plumbing that bothered him the most. The truth is, no matter how powerful one becomes, one does not feel powerful when one is pooping in a bucket.
He had tried to fix these things of course. But, as it turns out, some orders are easier to follow than others. Ordering someone to do a menial task like throwing another log or musician on the fire was a hell of a lot easier than ordering them to “sort out the whole power and plumbing thing.” It wasn’t a question of will. His men would gladly crawl through broken glass on their hands and knees just for the privilege of being the one to take the bullet for him. But, as it happens, the people most suited to that purpose aren’t particularly adept at highly-skilled technical work, nor are they well-suited to seek out the individuals who are.
And so, with little choice in the matter Doctor Destructo, great ruler of the broken machine known as Earth, persevered. His almost-nightly exercise with the Courtland girl had been the highlight of his day the last few months. It’s true that she was hopelessly outmatched and would never succeed, but the weapons he gave her were real enough. And she had come so close to besting him once, wasn’t it at least technically possible that it could happen again? That’s what he told himself anyway, and that thought alone was enough to give him at least some minor thrill of victory each night that he foiled her. Some small daily affirmation that whatever this world had become, he was still the ruler of it.
And now that bitch wanted to take that away from him. He would kill her, of course, because failing to back-up a threat was the beginning of the end for any figure of authority. But her death would give him no pleasure. Just one more head on the Mall.
And, frankly, one more head was not what that Mall needed. What had seemed like such a poetic and symbolic gesture at the time had backfired immensely. When he had first conceived of this grand vision of the heads of one thousand decapitated adversaries on spikes sprawling as far as the eye could see, he had failed to account for his other senses. Specifically, what the heads of a thousand decapitated adversaries might smell like after 3 months of sitting in the hot summer sun. But the Mall wasn’t even the worst of it. Do you know what happens to a lagoon of blood once it’s been allowed to congeal? Ivan did; and as a result all the lagoon-facing windows had been shut and sealed permanently.
As he neared his private entrance to Skull Manor, he was filled with immense fury at what she was doing to him. But more than that, he felt terrified. Because for probably the first time in his life, he really and truly had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do now.
Saturday, June 04, 2011
Evil Genius (Part 9)
Part 3: 6 Months Later
Chapter 1
Ivan stood frozen in the center of his courtyard, straining to hear. There was nothing to be heard save a few crickets to his left. He glanced in their direction and soon they too were silent. Suddenly he heard a very small rustle in the brush to his right. As faint as it was, it was all he needed. In a flash he dove towards the bushes just as Meg exploded out of them, dagger at the ready. She raised the knife back quickly to get a little weight behind it, but before she had even started her forward thrust he was on her. One arm shot straight at her neck while the other secured her wrist. He twisted her wrist hard and she cried out. As determined as she was to hold on to the knife, her muscles just would not obey her and it fell to the ground with a soft plop, at which point the Doctor threw her to the ground away from it. He bent down and picked up the knife. Meg started to scramble to her feet, but as she leaned on her twisted wrist she cried out again and decided to just stay on the ground. There was no point in getting up.
“How many is that now Ms. Courtland?”, Ivan asked rhetorically; “I believe we’re up to 92 failed assassination attempts up to and including that last little exercise.”
Meg just continued laying there. The searing hatred was still there, but it was no longer capable of fueling her.
“The mistake you keep making is being passive. You’re waiting for me to come to you. The problem is that my senses are far sharper than yours could ever hope to be, so by simply waiting you’re giving me an unbelievable advantage. If you recall, in your first attempt, the one you were almost successful with until you gave yourself away, you weren’t passive at all. You were aggressive. You didn’t wait for anything to happen. You made it happen.”
Meg just continued to lie on the ground, looking up at the night sky impassively. It was a nice night. The sky was clear and the stars were bright. The stars had been very bright these last few months since the power had gone out in most of the major cities. No more light pollution for the heavens to compete with. And thinking of the sky as the heavens was never more appropriate, since it very clearly was now hell on Earth. She tried as much as she could to tune out the words of The Doctor. He was pacing back and forth a few feet from her as he continued.
“In short, you were the predator and you turned me into your prey. That’s the right way to do it. Now you’ve just transformed yourself into the helpless teenager hiding in the closet with a butcher knife waiting for the axe-wielding maniac to find her. That never works for them, and it won’t work for you. So, for tomorrow night’s attempt…”
“No.” Meg cut him off. She was still staring up at the sky as she said it. She stated it simply and in a matter of fact way.
“What do you mean, no?”
“Just what I said. I’m done with this.”
The Doctor had stopped pacing now. He was genuinely surprised.
“Do I need to remind you of the alternative to your participation?”
“My head as an ornament on the Mall. I don’t care. It’s obvious you don’t believe I can succeed or you’d never keep giving me these chances. And you know what? I think you’re right. And the fact that you’re getting some enjoyment out of this, and that I’m a part of it, is just too much for me to take. So I’m done. Do whatever the hell you want with me; that’s what you do with everyone anyway.”
Ivan looked her over carefully, attempting to discern if this was some kind of bluff and decided that it wasn’t. He grabbed a small flashlight on his belt and used it to signal the guards nearby. Instantly he heard the faint scurrying sound of boots trampling over grass and dirt and a moment later they were before him.
“I’m finished with Ms. Courtland for the evening. Wrap up her wrist and lock her in her room. She has a lot of thinking to do this evening.”
Meg remained silent and motionless as the guards picked her up by her arms and legs. She didn’t even cry out under the strain on her twisted wrist, though the pain was sharp enough to bring tears to her eyes.
Chapter 1
Ivan stood frozen in the center of his courtyard, straining to hear. There was nothing to be heard save a few crickets to his left. He glanced in their direction and soon they too were silent. Suddenly he heard a very small rustle in the brush to his right. As faint as it was, it was all he needed. In a flash he dove towards the bushes just as Meg exploded out of them, dagger at the ready. She raised the knife back quickly to get a little weight behind it, but before she had even started her forward thrust he was on her. One arm shot straight at her neck while the other secured her wrist. He twisted her wrist hard and she cried out. As determined as she was to hold on to the knife, her muscles just would not obey her and it fell to the ground with a soft plop, at which point the Doctor threw her to the ground away from it. He bent down and picked up the knife. Meg started to scramble to her feet, but as she leaned on her twisted wrist she cried out again and decided to just stay on the ground. There was no point in getting up.
“How many is that now Ms. Courtland?”, Ivan asked rhetorically; “I believe we’re up to 92 failed assassination attempts up to and including that last little exercise.”
Meg just continued laying there. The searing hatred was still there, but it was no longer capable of fueling her.
“The mistake you keep making is being passive. You’re waiting for me to come to you. The problem is that my senses are far sharper than yours could ever hope to be, so by simply waiting you’re giving me an unbelievable advantage. If you recall, in your first attempt, the one you were almost successful with until you gave yourself away, you weren’t passive at all. You were aggressive. You didn’t wait for anything to happen. You made it happen.”
Meg just continued to lie on the ground, looking up at the night sky impassively. It was a nice night. The sky was clear and the stars were bright. The stars had been very bright these last few months since the power had gone out in most of the major cities. No more light pollution for the heavens to compete with. And thinking of the sky as the heavens was never more appropriate, since it very clearly was now hell on Earth. She tried as much as she could to tune out the words of The Doctor. He was pacing back and forth a few feet from her as he continued.
“In short, you were the predator and you turned me into your prey. That’s the right way to do it. Now you’ve just transformed yourself into the helpless teenager hiding in the closet with a butcher knife waiting for the axe-wielding maniac to find her. That never works for them, and it won’t work for you. So, for tomorrow night’s attempt…”
“No.” Meg cut him off. She was still staring up at the sky as she said it. She stated it simply and in a matter of fact way.
“What do you mean, no?”
“Just what I said. I’m done with this.”
The Doctor had stopped pacing now. He was genuinely surprised.
“Do I need to remind you of the alternative to your participation?”
“My head as an ornament on the Mall. I don’t care. It’s obvious you don’t believe I can succeed or you’d never keep giving me these chances. And you know what? I think you’re right. And the fact that you’re getting some enjoyment out of this, and that I’m a part of it, is just too much for me to take. So I’m done. Do whatever the hell you want with me; that’s what you do with everyone anyway.”
Ivan looked her over carefully, attempting to discern if this was some kind of bluff and decided that it wasn’t. He grabbed a small flashlight on his belt and used it to signal the guards nearby. Instantly he heard the faint scurrying sound of boots trampling over grass and dirt and a moment later they were before him.
“I’m finished with Ms. Courtland for the evening. Wrap up her wrist and lock her in her room. She has a lot of thinking to do this evening.”
Meg remained silent and motionless as the guards picked her up by her arms and legs. She didn’t even cry out under the strain on her twisted wrist, though the pain was sharp enough to bring tears to her eyes.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Evil Genius (Part 8)
Chapter 5
Speeches. They always felt the need to give speeches.
That was the thought going through the Doctor's mind as he quickly flipped his would-be assassin over his head and sent her crashing to the floor. Before she knew what had gone wrong one forearm had the knife-hand pinned to the ground while the other forearm was on her throat cutting off her air supply. The Doctor surveyed his foe with a mixture of curiosity, annoyance, and disdain.
“Tricky little minx; you’ll be dropping the knife now.” He spat at her. He could see the fiery hatred in her eyes. She clung to the knife and he could feel her pressing harder in vain to try and get at him.
“That was not a request; merely a statement of fact. Whether voluntarily or through unconsciousness, I promise you that the knife will fall from your hand momentarily.”
The hatred was still there, but it was starting to give way to panic as her lungs started to burn and her heart continued to race. Her face was turning a scarlet that deepened with each passing second and she began to shake uncontrollably. Finally, her grip relaxed and the knife fell to the ground.
Ivan continued to look down at her and contemplated whether or not to release his grip or finish the job and eliminate the threat. The part of him that was curious won out, and he released her as he picked the blade up from the ground.
He took a few steps back and surveyed her again as she began coughing and gasping for air. The threat was over; he had won. But along with a sense of triumph and a modicum of relief, he suddenly felt very angry.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he glared at her. “How long have you been planning this for? How many nights have you sat at home and thought about that one moment when you would have me at your mercy?”
He started pacing back and forth, and the anger was flowing freely.
“I haven’t the slightest idea how the hell you managed to get in here – and believe me that yours will not be the only head to roll for that infraction – but the fact that you did so already made you 95% more effective than any of the other delusional fools who thought they were a match for me.”
Now he knelt down next to her and put his face close to hers.
“And you know what? You almost pulled it off. You happened to pick just exactly the right moment where my thoughts were elsewhere. Ordinarily I’ve got the awareness of a gazelle. I’ve long assumed, rightfully I might add, that at any given time there were at least 100 people actively plotting to kill me. But I’ll admit that you caught me completely off my game tonight. I honestly had no idea you were there. Do you know how I discovered you were there?” He looked expectantly at her. She remained silent.
He suddenly grabbed her by the collar and shouted, “When you opened your mouth and told me!!!” He let go of her shirt and she collapsed in a heap again. He got up and started pacing again.
“God, the stupidity! I mean, what is the point of sneaking up on someone to gain the element of surprise if you’re just going to broadcast your presence the very second you’re in reach. It just defies belief. Do you realize that you chose the exact, precisely worst moment to do that? Honestly, you did, and I’ll prove it to you. Had you waited until after you slit my throat there’s a good chance I would have retained consciousness for a good couple of minutes before bleeding out. Plenty of time for speeches then. But let’s say you were insistent on saying your piece before the cutting. You would have been better off shouting at me from the doorway! At least then you would have had a chance to throw the damn knife at me! But you know what upsets me more than anything else?” he asked rhetorically; “It’s the fact that someone this stupid almost succeeded in killing me!!”
As the Doctor stood ranting, Meg was staggering onto all fours and, for lack of a better plan, was crawling very slowly towards the door. As the Doctor started railing about it “being like Hitler getting assassinated by Elmer Fudd” she had almost managed to reach the door when she ran headlong into two pairs of legs that belonged to two of the Doctor’s henchmen. The Doctor turned and noticed them.
“Ah; at long last my loyal, faithful, completely worthless security detail. Either of you two gentlemen see something in here that seems a bit amiss?”
The henchmen said nothing as they picked Meg up and secured her.
“Any idea how this happened?” he inquired of them. The cold stare and colder smile bore into them. Meg was not the only one in danger now.
The henchman on the right cleared his throat. “Your excellence; we found Frank’s body by the back door. He was stabbed.”
“Ah, so the minx does know how to act after all.” Ivan stood in front of Meg and lifted her chin with his hand so he could look into her eyes. “Bet you didn’t have any speeches for him did you? No? Well, then I guess we’ve learned something today haven’t we?”
He turned to his men and said “Take her out front. Cut her head off and display it along with the rest.”
He turned to head back to his desk when he suddenly became aware of something. His pulse was racing and his temper was flaring. He was angry and triumphant, satisfied and full of disdain. In short, he was feeling more alive right now than he had in months. He turned back to his men as they began to lead Meg to her execution.
“Hold that order, gentlemen. I might have found a better use for this one.”
Speeches. They always felt the need to give speeches.
That was the thought going through the Doctor's mind as he quickly flipped his would-be assassin over his head and sent her crashing to the floor. Before she knew what had gone wrong one forearm had the knife-hand pinned to the ground while the other forearm was on her throat cutting off her air supply. The Doctor surveyed his foe with a mixture of curiosity, annoyance, and disdain.
“Tricky little minx; you’ll be dropping the knife now.” He spat at her. He could see the fiery hatred in her eyes. She clung to the knife and he could feel her pressing harder in vain to try and get at him.
“That was not a request; merely a statement of fact. Whether voluntarily or through unconsciousness, I promise you that the knife will fall from your hand momentarily.”
The hatred was still there, but it was starting to give way to panic as her lungs started to burn and her heart continued to race. Her face was turning a scarlet that deepened with each passing second and she began to shake uncontrollably. Finally, her grip relaxed and the knife fell to the ground.
Ivan continued to look down at her and contemplated whether or not to release his grip or finish the job and eliminate the threat. The part of him that was curious won out, and he released her as he picked the blade up from the ground.
He took a few steps back and surveyed her again as she began coughing and gasping for air. The threat was over; he had won. But along with a sense of triumph and a modicum of relief, he suddenly felt very angry.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he glared at her. “How long have you been planning this for? How many nights have you sat at home and thought about that one moment when you would have me at your mercy?”
He started pacing back and forth, and the anger was flowing freely.
“I haven’t the slightest idea how the hell you managed to get in here – and believe me that yours will not be the only head to roll for that infraction – but the fact that you did so already made you 95% more effective than any of the other delusional fools who thought they were a match for me.”
Now he knelt down next to her and put his face close to hers.
“And you know what? You almost pulled it off. You happened to pick just exactly the right moment where my thoughts were elsewhere. Ordinarily I’ve got the awareness of a gazelle. I’ve long assumed, rightfully I might add, that at any given time there were at least 100 people actively plotting to kill me. But I’ll admit that you caught me completely off my game tonight. I honestly had no idea you were there. Do you know how I discovered you were there?” He looked expectantly at her. She remained silent.
He suddenly grabbed her by the collar and shouted, “When you opened your mouth and told me!!!” He let go of her shirt and she collapsed in a heap again. He got up and started pacing again.
“God, the stupidity! I mean, what is the point of sneaking up on someone to gain the element of surprise if you’re just going to broadcast your presence the very second you’re in reach. It just defies belief. Do you realize that you chose the exact, precisely worst moment to do that? Honestly, you did, and I’ll prove it to you. Had you waited until after you slit my throat there’s a good chance I would have retained consciousness for a good couple of minutes before bleeding out. Plenty of time for speeches then. But let’s say you were insistent on saying your piece before the cutting. You would have been better off shouting at me from the doorway! At least then you would have had a chance to throw the damn knife at me! But you know what upsets me more than anything else?” he asked rhetorically; “It’s the fact that someone this stupid almost succeeded in killing me!!”
As the Doctor stood ranting, Meg was staggering onto all fours and, for lack of a better plan, was crawling very slowly towards the door. As the Doctor started railing about it “being like Hitler getting assassinated by Elmer Fudd” she had almost managed to reach the door when she ran headlong into two pairs of legs that belonged to two of the Doctor’s henchmen. The Doctor turned and noticed them.
“Ah; at long last my loyal, faithful, completely worthless security detail. Either of you two gentlemen see something in here that seems a bit amiss?”
The henchmen said nothing as they picked Meg up and secured her.
“Any idea how this happened?” he inquired of them. The cold stare and colder smile bore into them. Meg was not the only one in danger now.
The henchman on the right cleared his throat. “Your excellence; we found Frank’s body by the back door. He was stabbed.”
“Ah, so the minx does know how to act after all.” Ivan stood in front of Meg and lifted her chin with his hand so he could look into her eyes. “Bet you didn’t have any speeches for him did you? No? Well, then I guess we’ve learned something today haven’t we?”
He turned to his men and said “Take her out front. Cut her head off and display it along with the rest.”
He turned to head back to his desk when he suddenly became aware of something. His pulse was racing and his temper was flaring. He was angry and triumphant, satisfied and full of disdain. In short, he was feeling more alive right now than he had in months. He turned back to his men as they began to lead Meg to her execution.
“Hold that order, gentlemen. I might have found a better use for this one.”
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Evil Genius (Part 7)
Chapter 4
As much as everyone in the world was inconvenienced by the collapse of civilization and the beginning of the rule of an evil dictator wielding the proverbial iron fist (and sometimes an actual fist), it’s probably true that the one person who’d gotten the worst of it was Megan Courtland. Not only had she suffered what certainly seemed like the apocalypse along with everybody else, she had the added misfortune of being the girlfriend of the man whose death made all of it possible.
Immediately following that fateful day in Decatur, she shared in everyone’s stunned shock. As that gave way to grief, she initially received at least a modicum of emotional support. But once the full scale of The Doctor’s plan began to be revealed, she was pretty much left to cope on her own.
Unable to fully process events as they unfolded, her coping took the form of revenge fantasies. Somehow, someway she would see to it that the Doctor died a horrible and excruciating death at her hands. The most elaborate plan she devised involved thumbtacks, a melon baller, both a Phillips and flat head screwdriver, baby oil, a welding torch, and a car battery. That one disturbed even her, although she still relished the thought of carrying it out. Eventually though, she reluctantly came to the conclusion that she’d settle for simply having the pleasure of staring down at his corpse, no matter how it got accomplished.
And that’s how it came to be that almost exactly a year to the day after Doctor Destructo vaporized the man she loved, Meg Courtland set out from what was left of her apartment complex in Washington D.C. armed with only a butcher knife and her infinite hatred. She walked solemnly but purposefully down Pennsylvania Avenue, past the rubble of the Capitol building, through the field of disembodied heads on spikes in the National Mall, and arrived at the gates to the White House. Expecting to confront an army of guards, she was shocked to discover very little resistance. Apparently most would-be assassins found the collection of heads on the Mall to be rather discouraging. There were certainly still guards, but they formed a very loose ring around the perimeter and didn’t seem particularly organized or interested in performing regular rounds. So Meg found a vacated spot, clumsily scaled the 7-foot wall, and headed towards the window of the Oval Office. If The Doctor wasn’t in the Oval Office, there really was no Plan B. In all likelihood it would have come down to an impulsive decision between smashing through the window anyway and hoping like hell to find the Doctor before anyone else found her first, and retracing her steps to try again another day. But as with everything else this night, fortune seemed to be shining on her. The Doctor was seated behind his desk; he seemed to be lost in thought and looked perhaps even a little troubled.
“Aw; butchering the human race too much work for you?” she icily thought to herself.
As determined as she was to not let this opportunity slip away, she was also determined to give herself the best chance of success as possible. There were two entrances into the Oval Office. At the moment, Ivan was facing away from one of them. If she somehow could gain access to the interior, there was at least a chance that she could sneak up behind him completely undetected. As a journalist, she had been to the White House on a number of occasions and knew the layout decently enough. There was a back entrance which was no more than 30 feet from the door to the Oval Office. She crept silently towards that entrance and flattened herself against the cool exterior of the house next to the door. From her vantage point she could still see into the Oval Office window. If it came down to it and the Doctor made a move to leave the room, she estimated that she could be across the lawn and through the window in under 5 seconds. He would probably see and would no doubt hear her approaching, and in all likelihood there would be little to no chance of success, but having already laid eyes on him the raw hatred seething in her now would never allow her to turn back now. It simply wasn’t an option.
After a few minutes, with the Doctor still seated comfortably the door opened and one of his henchman emerged. Meg waited only long enough to see his head before jamming the knife into the man’s eye with all the force her 5 foot 6, 120-pound frame could muster. The man made only a slight gurgling sound before collapsing in a heap. And with that, she was inside.
Her pulse raced, but everything else seemed to slow down as she moved methodically down the hall and across the room that bordered the Oval Office. She encountered no one else. She paused by the Office door and delicately opened it just a crack. The bastard was still at his desk, still facing the other direction, and still oblivious to the world. She opened the door just enough to barely fit through and then dropped down as low as her leg muscles would allow her. She was 12 feet away now, and closing. She took two steps and then paused. 10 feet now. She edged forward another 3 small steps. 8 feet now and the Doctor still hadn’t turned his head. Another few steps and now she could feel the fire in her quads but she ignored it. 6 feet; now 4 and her muscles were screaming at her. She covered the last few feet in one smooth motion and brought the knife up just under Ivan’s chin.
“This is for Terry, you son of a bitch!”
As much as everyone in the world was inconvenienced by the collapse of civilization and the beginning of the rule of an evil dictator wielding the proverbial iron fist (and sometimes an actual fist), it’s probably true that the one person who’d gotten the worst of it was Megan Courtland. Not only had she suffered what certainly seemed like the apocalypse along with everybody else, she had the added misfortune of being the girlfriend of the man whose death made all of it possible.
Immediately following that fateful day in Decatur, she shared in everyone’s stunned shock. As that gave way to grief, she initially received at least a modicum of emotional support. But once the full scale of The Doctor’s plan began to be revealed, she was pretty much left to cope on her own.
Unable to fully process events as they unfolded, her coping took the form of revenge fantasies. Somehow, someway she would see to it that the Doctor died a horrible and excruciating death at her hands. The most elaborate plan she devised involved thumbtacks, a melon baller, both a Phillips and flat head screwdriver, baby oil, a welding torch, and a car battery. That one disturbed even her, although she still relished the thought of carrying it out. Eventually though, she reluctantly came to the conclusion that she’d settle for simply having the pleasure of staring down at his corpse, no matter how it got accomplished.
And that’s how it came to be that almost exactly a year to the day after Doctor Destructo vaporized the man she loved, Meg Courtland set out from what was left of her apartment complex in Washington D.C. armed with only a butcher knife and her infinite hatred. She walked solemnly but purposefully down Pennsylvania Avenue, past the rubble of the Capitol building, through the field of disembodied heads on spikes in the National Mall, and arrived at the gates to the White House. Expecting to confront an army of guards, she was shocked to discover very little resistance. Apparently most would-be assassins found the collection of heads on the Mall to be rather discouraging. There were certainly still guards, but they formed a very loose ring around the perimeter and didn’t seem particularly organized or interested in performing regular rounds. So Meg found a vacated spot, clumsily scaled the 7-foot wall, and headed towards the window of the Oval Office. If The Doctor wasn’t in the Oval Office, there really was no Plan B. In all likelihood it would have come down to an impulsive decision between smashing through the window anyway and hoping like hell to find the Doctor before anyone else found her first, and retracing her steps to try again another day. But as with everything else this night, fortune seemed to be shining on her. The Doctor was seated behind his desk; he seemed to be lost in thought and looked perhaps even a little troubled.
“Aw; butchering the human race too much work for you?” she icily thought to herself.
As determined as she was to not let this opportunity slip away, she was also determined to give herself the best chance of success as possible. There were two entrances into the Oval Office. At the moment, Ivan was facing away from one of them. If she somehow could gain access to the interior, there was at least a chance that she could sneak up behind him completely undetected. As a journalist, she had been to the White House on a number of occasions and knew the layout decently enough. There was a back entrance which was no more than 30 feet from the door to the Oval Office. She crept silently towards that entrance and flattened herself against the cool exterior of the house next to the door. From her vantage point she could still see into the Oval Office window. If it came down to it and the Doctor made a move to leave the room, she estimated that she could be across the lawn and through the window in under 5 seconds. He would probably see and would no doubt hear her approaching, and in all likelihood there would be little to no chance of success, but having already laid eyes on him the raw hatred seething in her now would never allow her to turn back now. It simply wasn’t an option.
After a few minutes, with the Doctor still seated comfortably the door opened and one of his henchman emerged. Meg waited only long enough to see his head before jamming the knife into the man’s eye with all the force her 5 foot 6, 120-pound frame could muster. The man made only a slight gurgling sound before collapsing in a heap. And with that, she was inside.
Her pulse raced, but everything else seemed to slow down as she moved methodically down the hall and across the room that bordered the Oval Office. She encountered no one else. She paused by the Office door and delicately opened it just a crack. The bastard was still at his desk, still facing the other direction, and still oblivious to the world. She opened the door just enough to barely fit through and then dropped down as low as her leg muscles would allow her. She was 12 feet away now, and closing. She took two steps and then paused. 10 feet now. She edged forward another 3 small steps. 8 feet now and the Doctor still hadn’t turned his head. Another few steps and now she could feel the fire in her quads but she ignored it. 6 feet; now 4 and her muscles were screaming at her. She covered the last few feet in one smooth motion and brought the knife up just under Ivan’s chin.
“This is for Terry, you son of a bitch!”
Friday, May 13, 2011
Evil Genius (Part 6)
Chapter 2
Had the greater U.S. population not been distracted by their fixation on blaming the local authorities, they could have simply stayed home, tuned into C-SPAN (one of the few stations still broadcasting) and gotten all the information that they needed. They would have been watching when, the day after Los Angeles was incinerated, the Doctor arrived in Washington, D.C. They would have seen him walk into the U.S. Capitol building, open up his jacket, and reveal that the large trigger button in the middle of his chest was wired directly to his heart. The second his heart stopped beating, all 98 (really 38) remaining nuclear weapons would be triggered instantly.
He demanded the floor on the Senate. When he met some initial resistance, he calmly pulled out his cell phone, punched in a few numbers, and a few seconds later Syracuse, NY became a crater. That was the last resistance he encountered.
A sea of ghostly pale faces belonging to men and women who just days earlier believed themselves to be among the most powerful people in the world stared silently as he strode down the aisle of the Senate floor and stood behind the podium. He faced his captive audience, turning slowly from side to side, taking it all in. He could not be more pleased with how things had progressed so far. When he was ready, he looked dead into the nearest camera and flashed his blood-curdling smile. Although he couldn’t see it, he could feel the faces of millions of viewers across the world being drained of color as they looked on in horror. Finally, he spoke.
“My soon to be loyal subjects. I’ve come before you today to tell you that it’s over. Everything you have known as true in your pointless and meaningless existence is now irrelevant. That’s the bad news. And for all of you, that’s the only news. The good news is for me and me alone, and it is that mine is the only will that matters. My desires are commandments; my whims your new laws. But I like to keep things simple, so we will start with just one rule: please me or die. We will begin this new era with a simple task. Every elected official in this country is now unemployed. To eliminate any and all reminders of your former regime all national, state, and local assembly houses will be burned to the ground by midnight tonight. But if any town should fail to complete this task, fear not. I will accomplish it myself by relocating one of my remaining nuclear devices to beneath any house still standing. This will also have the unfortunate side effect, from your perspective at least, of rendering the entire city and most of the county it resides in, to radioactive ash. Some of you may not be familiar with the fine art of arson, so I believe a little demonstration is in order. The room I currently stand in will be set ablaze in precisely 30 seconds. I would advise all of my newly unemployed friends before me to vacate the premises immediately if they value their lives. To those of you watching at home, you may enjoy the show until the cameras burn and the video feed cuts out. Rest assured that you will be hearing from me again shortly. I’ve enjoyed our time together today.”
And with that he walked slowly down from the podium and back up the aisle. Everyone in the room was frozen. Was he really about to burn down the Capitol building? When he reached the door he paused and uttered just two syllables. He didn’t even turn around when he said them.
“Tick. Tock.”
And then he was gone.
The Senators just continued to stare at one another, but seconds later all the doors to the Senate floor flew open and a swarm of Molotov cocktails and makeshift explosive devices exploded into the chamber. This was enough to shake everyone from their daze and disbelief. Screams echoed through the room as smoke began to darken the air and everyone made a mad dash for the exits. Those who made it out alive did so just in time to turn around, look up, and see the dome of the Capitol collapse in on itself.
The delusions were now all over and the blame game was at an end. Suddenly, there was tremendous clarity on exactly who was to blame, who was in charge, and just how much trouble everybody was in.
Chapter 3
The next day the Doctor and a team of his closest henchmen paid a visit to the White House to relieve the President personally but at this point it really was just a formality. The President had fled in Air Force One during the night as thousands of amateur arsonists across the country sought to fulfill the Doctor’s orders. The Doctor found the house largely deserted, but that was just fine with him. He’d find and kill the President later of course, for denying him the pleasure of seeing him officially cede all power over to him in person. He’d also been hoping for some high quality groveling, and maybe even some tears. But still, the goal for the day had been to capture and move into the White House and it had been accomplished so all was still going to plan. The fact that it had been done with minimal bloodshed (they’d found a few pesky Secret Service agents still milling about and taken care of them) was regrettable but not catastrophic. He needed to keep reminding himself that there would still be plenty more time for massacres in the days ahead. One cannot commit genocide every day. One needs to rest up from time to time.
He threw open the doors to the Oval Office and couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of satisfaction. He walked easily behind the desk and sat in the plush leather reclining chair.
“Now,” he thought, “we can really begin.”
And begin he did. Since that day he had been more or less the undisputed ruler of the planet. Once he had officially gained access to the US military and, along with it, its nuclear arsenal, he was able to practice his own special brand of Destructo diplomacy(3). It’s amazing how smooth negotiations can go when you don’t have to worry about pesky things like “good faith” and you have the threat of nuclear annihilation to dangle over the opposition’s head like a guillotine. His terms were simple: do whatever I ask, whenever I ask and live, maybe. Oh sure, there were the few odd countries who decided that The Doctor was bluffing and refused. He quickly proved them wrong. In the end, it took less than a year for him to be recognized, unequivocally and without exception, as the sole ruler of the world.
The Doctor looked back on those early days fondly. For the first few months he filled his days simply wandering around and making people bow to him. Oh sure he had to decapitate the odd prideful individual who refused but that wasn’t viewed as much of a chore. Hell, that was half the fun! One of his first orders of business was some major renovations to the White House. The front lawn had been transformed into a giant man-made lagoon that was filled with blood. Rumors, which he not only didn’t dispel but actively encouraged, were that he had filled the lagoon by slaughtering people. In fact, the “volunteers” who gave their blood were actually treated quite well. It wasn’t a question of proper treatment, it was simply a question of mathematics. Killing a person and draining them yields you 10 pints one time. But keep them alive and relatively healthy and you can get a pint per week out of them for as long as you need it. He affectionately (in as much as he was capable of such an emotion) referred to them as “my blood cows.” Once completed he surrounded the lagoon with tiki torches because, well, nothing complements a blood-filled lagoon quite like tiki torches.
But the piece de resistance, the thing that really tied the rehab together thematically, was the entrance. Gone were the stately columns of the foyer. In their place was a 50-foot façade of a giant skull, with flames in the eye sockets and the entrance through the mouth.
Most nights those early days, he fell asleep laughing. A cold and mechanical laugh that sent chills down the spines of anyone within earshot. For a long time, he was content. Completely and utterly content.
And then, very slowly, something started to change. So slowly in fact, that he was able to deny its existence for quite some time. But eventually he had to face it head on. Here was the thing he hadn’t been prepared for. It came to him in an odd way. He suddenly had a very vivid image of the last scene of the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Mr. Wonka tells Charlie “Don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything that he always wanted.” Charlie asks “what happened?” and Wonka’s reply is “He lived happily ever after.”
Only now The Doctor knew the real answer to that, and he was filled with bile at the thought. So much so that he wished Gene Wilder hadn’t been killed in the LA nuclear blast so he could hunt him down and kill him again.
What happens to the man who suddenly gets everything he ever wanted?
He ends up being bored out of his fucking mind.
Ironically, at just the moment that this thought finally crystallized in his head, Doctor Destructo stopped being bored. Because at just that moment he suddenly found a very sharp knife pressed against his throat.
(3) - Patent Pending
Had the greater U.S. population not been distracted by their fixation on blaming the local authorities, they could have simply stayed home, tuned into C-SPAN (one of the few stations still broadcasting) and gotten all the information that they needed. They would have been watching when, the day after Los Angeles was incinerated, the Doctor arrived in Washington, D.C. They would have seen him walk into the U.S. Capitol building, open up his jacket, and reveal that the large trigger button in the middle of his chest was wired directly to his heart. The second his heart stopped beating, all 98 (really 38) remaining nuclear weapons would be triggered instantly.
He demanded the floor on the Senate. When he met some initial resistance, he calmly pulled out his cell phone, punched in a few numbers, and a few seconds later Syracuse, NY became a crater. That was the last resistance he encountered.
A sea of ghostly pale faces belonging to men and women who just days earlier believed themselves to be among the most powerful people in the world stared silently as he strode down the aisle of the Senate floor and stood behind the podium. He faced his captive audience, turning slowly from side to side, taking it all in. He could not be more pleased with how things had progressed so far. When he was ready, he looked dead into the nearest camera and flashed his blood-curdling smile. Although he couldn’t see it, he could feel the faces of millions of viewers across the world being drained of color as they looked on in horror. Finally, he spoke.
“My soon to be loyal subjects. I’ve come before you today to tell you that it’s over. Everything you have known as true in your pointless and meaningless existence is now irrelevant. That’s the bad news. And for all of you, that’s the only news. The good news is for me and me alone, and it is that mine is the only will that matters. My desires are commandments; my whims your new laws. But I like to keep things simple, so we will start with just one rule: please me or die. We will begin this new era with a simple task. Every elected official in this country is now unemployed. To eliminate any and all reminders of your former regime all national, state, and local assembly houses will be burned to the ground by midnight tonight. But if any town should fail to complete this task, fear not. I will accomplish it myself by relocating one of my remaining nuclear devices to beneath any house still standing. This will also have the unfortunate side effect, from your perspective at least, of rendering the entire city and most of the county it resides in, to radioactive ash. Some of you may not be familiar with the fine art of arson, so I believe a little demonstration is in order. The room I currently stand in will be set ablaze in precisely 30 seconds. I would advise all of my newly unemployed friends before me to vacate the premises immediately if they value their lives. To those of you watching at home, you may enjoy the show until the cameras burn and the video feed cuts out. Rest assured that you will be hearing from me again shortly. I’ve enjoyed our time together today.”
And with that he walked slowly down from the podium and back up the aisle. Everyone in the room was frozen. Was he really about to burn down the Capitol building? When he reached the door he paused and uttered just two syllables. He didn’t even turn around when he said them.
“Tick. Tock.”
And then he was gone.
The Senators just continued to stare at one another, but seconds later all the doors to the Senate floor flew open and a swarm of Molotov cocktails and makeshift explosive devices exploded into the chamber. This was enough to shake everyone from their daze and disbelief. Screams echoed through the room as smoke began to darken the air and everyone made a mad dash for the exits. Those who made it out alive did so just in time to turn around, look up, and see the dome of the Capitol collapse in on itself.
The delusions were now all over and the blame game was at an end. Suddenly, there was tremendous clarity on exactly who was to blame, who was in charge, and just how much trouble everybody was in.
Chapter 3
The next day the Doctor and a team of his closest henchmen paid a visit to the White House to relieve the President personally but at this point it really was just a formality. The President had fled in Air Force One during the night as thousands of amateur arsonists across the country sought to fulfill the Doctor’s orders. The Doctor found the house largely deserted, but that was just fine with him. He’d find and kill the President later of course, for denying him the pleasure of seeing him officially cede all power over to him in person. He’d also been hoping for some high quality groveling, and maybe even some tears. But still, the goal for the day had been to capture and move into the White House and it had been accomplished so all was still going to plan. The fact that it had been done with minimal bloodshed (they’d found a few pesky Secret Service agents still milling about and taken care of them) was regrettable but not catastrophic. He needed to keep reminding himself that there would still be plenty more time for massacres in the days ahead. One cannot commit genocide every day. One needs to rest up from time to time.
He threw open the doors to the Oval Office and couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of satisfaction. He walked easily behind the desk and sat in the plush leather reclining chair.
“Now,” he thought, “we can really begin.”
And begin he did. Since that day he had been more or less the undisputed ruler of the planet. Once he had officially gained access to the US military and, along with it, its nuclear arsenal, he was able to practice his own special brand of Destructo diplomacy(3). It’s amazing how smooth negotiations can go when you don’t have to worry about pesky things like “good faith” and you have the threat of nuclear annihilation to dangle over the opposition’s head like a guillotine. His terms were simple: do whatever I ask, whenever I ask and live, maybe. Oh sure, there were the few odd countries who decided that The Doctor was bluffing and refused. He quickly proved them wrong. In the end, it took less than a year for him to be recognized, unequivocally and without exception, as the sole ruler of the world.
The Doctor looked back on those early days fondly. For the first few months he filled his days simply wandering around and making people bow to him. Oh sure he had to decapitate the odd prideful individual who refused but that wasn’t viewed as much of a chore. Hell, that was half the fun! One of his first orders of business was some major renovations to the White House. The front lawn had been transformed into a giant man-made lagoon that was filled with blood. Rumors, which he not only didn’t dispel but actively encouraged, were that he had filled the lagoon by slaughtering people. In fact, the “volunteers” who gave their blood were actually treated quite well. It wasn’t a question of proper treatment, it was simply a question of mathematics. Killing a person and draining them yields you 10 pints one time. But keep them alive and relatively healthy and you can get a pint per week out of them for as long as you need it. He affectionately (in as much as he was capable of such an emotion) referred to them as “my blood cows.” Once completed he surrounded the lagoon with tiki torches because, well, nothing complements a blood-filled lagoon quite like tiki torches.
But the piece de resistance, the thing that really tied the rehab together thematically, was the entrance. Gone were the stately columns of the foyer. In their place was a 50-foot façade of a giant skull, with flames in the eye sockets and the entrance through the mouth.
Most nights those early days, he fell asleep laughing. A cold and mechanical laugh that sent chills down the spines of anyone within earshot. For a long time, he was content. Completely and utterly content.
And then, very slowly, something started to change. So slowly in fact, that he was able to deny its existence for quite some time. But eventually he had to face it head on. Here was the thing he hadn’t been prepared for. It came to him in an odd way. He suddenly had a very vivid image of the last scene of the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Mr. Wonka tells Charlie “Don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything that he always wanted.” Charlie asks “what happened?” and Wonka’s reply is “He lived happily ever after.”
Only now The Doctor knew the real answer to that, and he was filled with bile at the thought. So much so that he wished Gene Wilder hadn’t been killed in the LA nuclear blast so he could hunt him down and kill him again.
What happens to the man who suddenly gets everything he ever wanted?
He ends up being bored out of his fucking mind.
Ironically, at just the moment that this thought finally crystallized in his head, Doctor Destructo stopped being bored. Because at just that moment he suddenly found a very sharp knife pressed against his throat.
(3) - Patent Pending
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