Evil Genius (Conclusion)

Part 5: The End

Ivan sat in the conference room and fantasized about killing everyone else in the room in the most grotesque and obscene ways possible. And even though he was out of practice, he could still think of some pretty obscene ways.

He sat at the oak conference table in the penthouse suite of the Four Seasons. He was surrounded by representatives from every corner of the globe. They were here for the same reason that they were always here. They were utterly incapable of solving even the pettiest of disagreements amongst themselves, and so had come to him to have their problems solved for them. It isn’t that he made better decisions than anything they could have come up with themselves - it’s that his was the voice of ultimate authority. There was no higher court or anyone else to appeal to after him; his was the final word. As such every representative could feel free to return to their constituency and tell them, with a clear conscience, that they had done all they could but the decision had been made and that was that.

He used to be The Destructor, now he was The Mediator. From Ivan, the most powerful man who ever lived, to Ivan, great arbiter of the Andean water usage rights. It was enough to make him want to weep.

How many hundreds of times had he thought of just putting an end to everything and going back to the way things used to be? But in the end, what would that accomplishment? A return to the days of cold canned beans, bucket plumbing, and a stench that would bring a tear to a skunk’s eye.

6 months ago, he thought that he had found a way out. The plan had been perfect. He would swallow all the bile welling up inside of him in preparation for an epic acting performance. One that would have made him worthy of his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame if it still existed. He would play the part of the benevolent dictator and tell them that now that he had set the world on its correct course, that as his last act he would give them a choice. He would allow them to choose their own ruler.

And he played his part to perfection. Sure it went against all of his natural impulses to try and act like he was doing anything altruistically, but it was still his decision. Thus, although he’d no longer be the ruler of Earth, he’d still be able to claim victory. But most importantly, it would all be over. No more meetings, no more forms, no more whiny diplomats with their inane, tedious chatter and trivial problems.

As it turned out though, he had played his part far too well. Because what had the bastards gone and done? They had elected him! He wasn’t sure if it had been rigged or done fairly, and frankly he didn’t care. None of his opponents even bothered to contest the results. They all just cheerfully called to concede and congratulate him within hours of the polls closing.

His victory speech was historic in its brevity. He just stood in front of thousands of his supporters and said simply “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” and then walked off the stage shaking his head, rubbing his temples, and cursing loudly.

So now here he was, resigned to this fate. He realized that all eyes were looking at him, waiting for a decision. As he often did, he had either forgotten or never bothered to listen to half of the facts of the case. It didn’t matter. He could have used a dartboard.

“OK, here’s what we’re going to do. Everyone between latitude 0 and 15 will irrigate on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and everyone above latitude 15 will have Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Sundays will alternate according to a calendar that we’ll have drawn up. Now in the event of a leap year that falls on a Sunday. . .”

Ivan suddenly stopped. He was aware of a deep pounding sound. It took him a minute to realize that it wasn’t just his head, though that throbbed as well. It was faint at first, but steadily grew louder. Boom! Then silence. A few seconds later there it was again. Boom! The others were reacting to it as well. Boom! It was getting closer for sure. Crash! And now it was unmistakably the sound of wood bursting, over and over again. And just as this realization took hold, the door to the conference room exploded inward. As Ivan scrambled to his feet and the dust settled, he realized he was staring at a ghost. Captain Invincible looked back at him.

And just as Meg had instructed him, he wasted no time with introductions. There were no grand speeches with denouncements and promises of comeuppance. No - Captain Invincible simply moved like a bullet to cross the distance between them, gently picked the Doctor up, and politely threw him out of the 13th floor window.

Ivan wasn’t afraid, and he didn’t scream. Apart from the couple pieces of jagged glass in his back, there wasn’t really any pain either. The emotion he felt most, as he plunged to his death, was pride. He was proud of the Courtland girl, even if she was a little slow in figuring out what the hell she was supposed to do. And Dr. Richter too. In the end, they hadn’t let him down. Most of all, he felt a deep sense of pride in himself. That he was finally finished with all this tedium and monotony and, perhaps most importantly, he was leaving all of it for that asshole Invincible to deal with. ‘Enjoy your moment now you prick’, he thought, ‘because 6 months from now when you’re sorting through geographic territories for cheese retailers in France you’re going to wish you’d never been brought back.’

And with that most pleasant thought in his head, Doctor Ivan Destructo’s body hit the pavement with a soft plop. And it was left to everyone to forever wonder why it was that in his last second of life, he had such a large grin on his face.

Epilogue: The Beginning

The preacher made his to the podium and surveyed the crowd. The church was packed today. As it should be. It was a very special day. He straddled the podium with his arms, looked out at his flock, and began.

“Welcome my friends, and may I say to all of you ‘Happy Birthday’! As all of you know, it was one year ago today that our great leader and savior was struck down. Struck down by the hands of those who are small-minded and weak. Deluded by a misguided feeling of righteousness, every word out of their mouths is blasphemous, every action a sin. They feel no remorse for their actions, so far gone are their minds from the truth.”

He grabbed the mic from its stand and started pacing across the stage, passing by the 15-foot tall statue of Doctor Desctructo at the head of the church.

“But my friends, today is not a day to drown ourselves in sorrow. Today is a day of great joy. Because one year ago today, Ivan the Great died so that we might be born. He gave unto us the life that he had, so that we would know him and have the courage to walk the true path. Because the truth is that he left us because we were not worthy of him. He tried to purge the world of all of its wickedness. All the greed and lust in our hearts. But no matter what he did it wasn’t enough because as fast as he tore it down our impure hearts built it up again. We took it for granted that we could turn to him to solve our problems, now and always.”

Now he paused both his speech and his walk. He stared at the crowd intently.

“Brothers and sisters, we failed him.”

He let this thought sink in and then he resumed his pacing.

“But we must not despair. We were destined to fail him. He knew that we would. But he loves all of us so much that he was willing to die so that we could see it. So that we would know the truth.”

He could hear sobs from the crowd now. He was stifling back tears himself.

“So let us prepare ourselves for him. Let us make ourselves worthy. The enemy has a name, and that name is Captain Invincible. He and all of his followers must see the folly and error of their ways. And if they will not see the truth on their own, we will make them see it. And if we cannot make them see the truth, well” he paused again and shook his head sardonically, “our savior taught us what must be done in the face of unrepentant evil. If we cannot make them see the truth, they will be destroyed!”

He had reached the podium again and he slammed his fists on the hard wooden surface as punctuation before he continued.

“And then my brothers and sisters, and only then, when we have purged heaven and earth of all that is unrighteous, when we have cleansed the world of impurity and prepared our hearts and our souls; my brothers and sisters, that is when He shall return to us. And he will smile upon us, and welcome us unto him. And with Him we will know no more pain, and we will know only joy and peace in his arms until the end of days, Amen!”

The crowd roared back an “Amen” in return, and with great fervor they began chanting “Ivan the Great” and “Ivan the Holy”; the echoes of which could be heard for miles and miles across the night sky.