Delusional

de·lu·sion

1. an act or instance of deluding.
2. the state of being deluded.
3. a false belief or opinion: delusions of grandeur.
4. Psychiatry. a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact: a paranoid delusion.

This week I’ll return to some lighthearted fare. I read two stories this past week that caught my eye, both of which I view with a certain amount of contempt and left me shaking my head after I read them. However, while I have no problem lampooning one, I am borderline ashamed to even discuss the other. First, a man is suing a husband & wife-owned dry-cleaning service for losing a pair of pants. He wants $65 million for his troubles. Second, Paris Hilton is (hopefully) going to jail. Use your intuition to figure out which one I’m ashamed to bring up. I wasn’t planning to make this definition intro a recurring theme (and still am not), but I was unable to read either of these stories without hearing the word “delusional” over and over again in my head. I didn’t mind, though. Frankly, it was a nice break from the voice that’s always telling me to start fires.

First things first. You can read all about the absurdity of the man suing over a $65 million dollar pair of pants here: http://tinyurl.com/2p97gy. Now I know that there are an enormous amount of frivolous lawsuits filed every day in this country, but there are a few things that make this situation unique. The main one is that the man who is suing is himself a judge. That means that someone whose main job requirement is to know the law and remain fair and impartial has determined that his is a reasonable action. The other astounding thing is that this case has been going on for two years; it wasn’t simply reviewed once and tossed out immediately, as most reasonable people would think would happen.

To summarize for those that don’t feel like reading it, in 2005 this judge brought in a pair of pants to have alterations done. When he came back two days later, they told him they had misplaced his pants. They eventually found them, two days later, but then the judge claimed that those weren’t his pants, even though they matched his measurements and the ticket numbers. So since then he has been pressing this suit, and perhaps the only thing more ridiculous than his actions is the creativity that has been involved in coming up with the figure of $65 million. Since he doesn’t want to go back to that dry cleaners anymore, he believes he is entitled to the cost of renting a car every weekend for 10 years to go to another dry cleaners. While that in itself seems pretty ridiculous, that only comes to a paltry $15,000. The bulk of the rest comes from his allegation that the cleaners have been in violation of 12 consumer protection laws (doesn’t specify which ones) since they opened (1200 days ago) and at $1500 per violation, per day, per defendant (3) that comes to a cool $64.8 million. I will repeat: This man is an active judge! There are people that come before him in court every day and he decides their punishment. Think you have any chance of talking your way out of a speeding ticket in this guy’s court? Hardly. You’d probably be lucky if he didn’t give you the death penalty along with all your blood relatives and anyone you’ve ever spoken more than 15 words to, just to make an example out of you.

Listen, I understand how the legal system works. Really, I do. I understand the concept of punitive damages that are designed to go above and beyond the actual harm caused to serve as a deterrent. But following the letter of the law shouldn’t mean that we abandon common sense. For those having trouble deciphering where the line is in this case, let me just offer this guideline: when you are making the woman who sued McDonald’s for $3 million after spilling hot coffee on herself look reasonable, you have gone too far.

Now we come to Paris, and I know that there is way too much said about her already. I know that giving this attention, even in a derogatory way, is still giving attention to something that doesn’t deserve it. I further know that there are approximately 9.7 billion topics (I counted) that are more worthy of discussion than this one. I know all of this. And yet I can’t help myself. Not after I read the petition. It’s just too damn funny, and I have to say something about it. For those of you that haven’t heard (and if you haven’t please let me know, as I wish to emulate your life in every possible way) Ms. Paris Hilton has recently been sentenced to 45 days in jail in connection with a probation violation stemming from her DUI arrest last year. As part of the original deal, her license was suspended through March of this year. Yet she was pulled over on January 15th; she was actually let go by the police after signing a document specifying that she had a suspended license and was not to drive. A month later, she was pulled over again and this time was charged with violating probation.

All that’s just the set-up. Here are the punchlines (and there are a lot of them). At her hearing, her first defense is that her publicist misinformed her by telling her that her license was only suspended for 30 days. I guess in the fantasy world of Hollywoodland, “My publicist didn’t tell me” is a valid, legally admissible defense. It may shock Ms. Hilton to know that there are actually people that exist in the world who manage to know the details of their life (or at least the important ones) even when their publicist doesn’t tell them what they are. And I would think that if you had an IQ that was just slightly higher than your shoe size, after getting out of court the first time a little voice would sound in your head that would say “You just got probation. First, go look that word up. Then, figure out what it means you have to do and not do.” I would further think that you might be better served having someone besides your publicist explain it to you. Like, say, maybe the gentleman with the law degree that you sit next to in the court room and pay all this money to. Her second defense is that when she was stopped in January, informed that she was driving on a suspended license, and forced to sign a sheet saying as much, she “thought the officer was mistaken” and “didn’t really read the document.” So, again, when there is a discrepancy between what the nice gentleman with the uniform and the gun tells you and what you remember your publicist saying, the infallibility of the publicist wins out. I believe, in legalese, this is known as the “It’s Really a Miracle I Can Even Dress Myself” defense. Astoundingly, the judge at the hearing decides this ironclad defense is somehow lacking, and sentences her to 45 days in jail.

Clearly, this is a travesty of justice. And whenever famous people feel slighted, thousands of people living a vicarious existence with far too much time on their hands are going to circulate a petition. And it was after reading this petition to Gov. Schwarzenegger (it still cracks me up to say or write that) that I felt compelled to write this, because it is a document that is so filled with non-reality that the word “delusional” just falls short. There frankly isn’t a word that I know of to describe it. To come close, just stare vacantly into space and start convulsing and drooling on yourself while making a series of increasingly louder clucking noises (extra points for you if you do this while at work).

You can read the whole petition here: http://tinyurl.com/27jshj. Here are just a few of my favorite lines. “She (Paris) provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.” Yes, where would we all be without Paris Hilton? I believe that most of the problems in Iraq stem from the fact that their cable provider doesn’t broadcast The Simple Life. “In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer.” And I have received some recognition as a singer, writer, auditor, student, wandering minstrel, and shirtless drunk guy. Not a lot, mind you, but some. “We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong.” Yeah! It is absolutely appalling to dole out punishment for driving drunk. And anyway, clearly someone poor, ugly, and with a mustache and a wife-beater tee should be the one to be made an example of. Also, contrary to popular belief drunk driving is in fact not a proper noun and doesn't require capitalization. Might want to have someone in 4th grade give your petition a quick read through before you send it on to the governor. “Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving!” And just a few weeks ago, a woman in Chicago filed a lawsuit against her partner for “negligent dancing.” I mean, as long as we’re bringing up legal precedents that have nothing to do with the current case, I just thought I’d share that. This last one’s my favorite, though. “If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well.” See, Gov. Schwarzenegger, play your cards right and you just might up the next Gerald Ford! And furthermore, I can think of no better way to solicit sympathy from the public and elected officials than to compare yourself to Richard Nixon.