They Should've Done a Remake

Due to my boss and, well, about half the office being on vacation today I was able to get out at lunch and see Tron: Legacy in 3D at the IMAX at Navy Pier. My overall impression is that it was decent but not spectacular and I walked away feeling a bit underwhelmed by the whole experience. It was great to see the world of Tron fully realized now that they have the technology to do it but the story and the characters just don't measure up to the original. That left me to have to face the somewhat awkward conclusion (since I've gone on so many tirades) that they should have just remade the original Tron.

To be sure, second only to Avatar it's the both the best use of 3D and the best example of a fully rendered digital world ever created for "live action". I say live action in quotes because the line between it and animated films blurs more and more each day. But the problem is that I've grown pretty tired of the "special-effects extravaganza". To quote Idiocracy: "And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again!" That sums it up pretty good. Action sequences can still be thrilling but only if you have some characters that you actually care about and whom you actually believe might be harmed. And that's just largely lacking here. I would agree that Flynn wasn't the most fully-formed character to begin with in the original film, but I would argue that's a good reason why you could have really used this movie to flesh him out. You had a character that was instantly recognizable to your fan base and yet was still largely a blank slate. What more could you ask for? But what we get instead, and I wish I were kidding here, is Kevin Flynn infused with the Dude. And I promise you that whatever you just imagined when you read that is infinitely more exciting than what shows up on screen. I'd say that the other big problem with the movie is the new character Quorra (played by Olivia Wilde). Acting-wise she does just fine and clearly she's largely there for eye-candy purposes (and in that she succeeds). But the subplot revolving around her is just not nearly interesting enough to justify the attention it takes away from the main story between Flynn and his son.

If you read Ebert's review, he closes by pretty much telling you straight out that you should see it stoned (at least as much as he can say it while still being printed in a major newspaper). I think I'd have to agree with him.

Bipartisanship: Let's Just Replace The Last Letter with a T

Thankfully, I now get to go back to one of my favorite pasttimes: bitching about politics!

This latest tax deal proves once again that the only thing worse than the two parties not working together is when they do. Allow me to set up the impasse. The Democrats (and Obama, at least until recently) were committed to letting the Bush-era tax cuts expire for all those making $250,000 per year or more and extending them for everyone else, while the Republicans wanted them extended for everyone across the board. In other words, in the name of getting the deficit under control, the Democrats' solution was additional taxation and the Republicans' solution was to cut spending. That seems about right. So what compromise did they reach (they being Obama and the GOP)? Extend all the tax cuts and in return extend unemployment benefits and lower the social security payroll tax for next year. In other words, reduce taxes and increase spending.

If you're hearing a dull thud right now, that's the sound of me banging my head against the desk (or, if you're reading this after business hours, my palm slapping my forehead). What's perhaps even more dumbfounding than this is the fact that it's Congressional Democrats who are set to rebel at this. Aren't Republicans and those associated with the Tea Party supposed to be the ones all about fiscal responsibility? This is just a horribly irresponsible deal and the kind of thing Republicans always campaign against.

I'm sorry, but this is our government at its worst. This was financial shenanigans when Reagan did it in the 80s, it was shenanigans when Bush did it in the 00s, and it's shenanigans now. I've often been accused of being a fence-straddler when I say that I want a balanced budget and I don't really care if it comes via increased taxation or cutting spending. But this is why I say that! I can't afford to be picky with my ideology; I just want someone who can do math! You don't want to raise taxes? Fine, then you need to cut spending. Don't want to cut spending? Fine, then you have to raise taxes. It isn't quite, but it's damn close to a zero sum game. The cut to Social Security payroll tax is just the coup de grace. Hey look! We've got a program that's on pace to go bankrupt in 25 years. Let's cut the amount of money we pay into it! (THUD) (THUD) (THUD)

If you supported the Replublicans or the Tea Party last month, you should be furious right now. This is exactly the type of short-sightedness that let the deficit get to this point. But the truth is that the real agenda of the Republicans is simply low taxes at any cost, with lip service paid to the idea of a balanced budget via vague promises of budget cuts that never materialize. To be sure, the Democrats are no better but at least they haven't campaigned on it incessantly for the last 30 years.

Deja Vu

Well the last thing that I expected or wanted to do was post back to back posthumous tributes, but I can't let the great Ron Santo's passing go by without mention.

He retired in 1974, so obviously I'm too young to have seen him play and I've only seen the odd highlight film of his playing career. I remember knowing who he was when I was growing up a Cubs fan in the 80s but it wasn't till college that I really became a big Ron Santo fan.

The first couple years in college, the cable down in Champaign wasn't very good and as a result we only got the Cubs games that were on WGN. In addition to that, Christy was in school at Northern and that meant a lot of weekend road trips. So the end result was a lot of listening to Cubs games on the radio, and it was then that I really came to know the tandem of Pat Hughes and Ron Santo.

Now let's not mince words here. Ron, from a purely broadcasting standpoint, was terrible. He made absolutely no pretense at showing even the slightest hint of impartiality, he often forgot to either mute his mic when he was doing something noisy like clearing his throat or opening a bag of chips (yes, he ate while broadcasting), or would forget to unmute his mic on the few occasions when he remembered to mute it. And whenever anything exciting happened you'd have to wait a good 5 seconds to actually find out what happened because the first few seconds of air were always filled with Ron drowning out the play by play call with either a thunderous "Oh Yeah!" or an absolutely agonizing "Geez!" You always knew right away if something good or bad had happened, you just didn't know exactly what for a while.

But despite the fact that he certainly wasn't in line for any broadcasting awards, myself and most other Cubs fans loved listening to him. Because no matter how big of a Cub fan you were, no matter how much you lived and died with every pitch, Ron had you beat. Nobody was more excited when they won and nobody took it harder when they lost. So much so that it got to the point where whenever you listened to the Cubs blow another game in excruciating fashion, your own personal angst over the loss took a back seat to a desire to want to console Ron. You always knew that as hard as you could ever take a loss, he was taking it harder. And then you'd tune in the next day, and no matter if they were 20 games above or 20 games below .500 he'd be right back with as much optimism as he'd ever had and you almost had no choice but to get over yesterday's loss too. He wasn't Ron, the ultimate broadcaster, he was Ron, the ultimate Cub fan. And we loved him for it.

One of my favorite segments from the last couple years was the "daily pitching matchup breakdown with Ron Santo." Here's the hard-hitting analysis you could expect. No matter how bad a Cubs pitcher had performed recently, Ron had a feeling that today was the day he was gonna turn things around. And no matter how good the opposing pitcher was or how much he had dominated the Cubs in the past, Ron had a feeling that today was going to be the day that we were going to get to him. He wasn't Ron, the ultimate analyst, he was Ron, the ultimate optimist. And we loved him for it.

Honestly I don't know what he did during the off-season. I think he probably just sat around and simultaneously thrilled his fans and annoyed his family by relentlessly talking about what moves the Cubs had made or were going to make and how they were going to look next season. For Ron Santo, baseball wasn't his job, it was his life. And we loved him for it.

There's one story that does a great job of epitomizing him. Most people know part of it. It's the famous Brant Brown call. Late in September of 1998, with the Cubs tied for the wild card lead, they are playing the Brewers and it's the bottom of the ninth. The Cubs are leading by 2 runs with the bases loaded and 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth. Geoff Jenkins hits a completely routine fly ball to Brant Brown in left field, and he inexplicably just drops it. 3 runs score and the Cubs lose. As per usual, Ronnie talks right over Pat's call and just screams "OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO!" with such raw shock and anguish that you'd think someone had been murdered right before his eyes. Here's Pat Hughes describing the aftermath:

"After the inning ended I looked over and Ronnie had his forehead on the desk and wasn't moving. I thought he had died right there, so I poked him with my fingers to see if he was alive and he finally moved. After the game we were in the manager's office and I saw something that has never happened in American sports. The manager of the cubs, Jim Riggleman, put his arm around Ronnie and was trying to console him about the loss, Riggleman saying, don't worry, Ronnie, we're going to Houston and we're going to win and make the playoffs, and Ronnie just kept saying, 'how could he drop that ball?"

And what does Ron do next? He goes down to the clubhouse, gives Brant Brown a hug and tells him not to worry, that it's ok, and that he's made mistakes before and he knows how he feels. And the Cubs, despite getting swept in Houston, did end up making the playoffs that year, and no one was happier about it than Ron Santo (well, except maybe Brant Brown). We won't talk about what happened in the playoffs that year (or any year since 1908 for that matter).

I've always said that for whatever stupid reason, there was a group of miserable SOBs in the Hall that were going to make sure that he never got into the Hall of Fame while he was alive and that as soon as he passed away he'd get in for sure. I still think that's the case, and it makes me mad. Everyone that voted against him while he was alive and still does so now, that's fine. I disagree with them, but that's their right. But although I'm not a violent man, I'd like to go up to every guy who voted against him and changes their vote now and punch them in the face. His baseball numbers haven't changed in 36 years, so that means you weren't keeping him out because of what he did on the field. You were keeping him out because for whatever reason you disliked him and wanted to make sure that in his lifetime he never got to experience the one thing that would have meant the most to him. That is mean-spirited and despicable in a way that there's barely words for, and it makes you a horrible human being.

But at least he was around last year as the Cubs honored him on the 50th anniversary of his major league debut. And at least he lived to see his number retired and sent up the left field flagpole to a well deserved standing ovation at Wrigley in 2003. The next time I'm at Wrigley I look forward to raising a glass towards that flag and drinking a toast to the man that was the face of Cubs baseball for the last 50 years.

And so for the 2nd time in a week I have to say goodbye to someone who brought a lot of joy to my life. Farewell Ronnie; wherever you are, I hope there's baseball there!

I Would Have Written This Sooner, But You Weren't Dead Then

As I'm sure everyone's aware by now, Leslie Nielson passed away last weekend. I remember first looking up his age when Mr. Magoo came out in 1997 and thinking "whoa; he's 71!" so it's certainly not a shock that 13 years later he's gone. But it's still sad nonetheless.

When little 9-year-old John went to the theatres to see The Naked Gun in 1998, he instantly became one of my favorite comedic actors. When I got introduced to Airplane a couple years later and then Police Squad a couple years after that, I was even more hooked. But as big of a fan as I was and am, he's also one of the actors that disappointed me the most.

If there's one word that best describes Leslie Nielsen, I think it would be charisma. That may sound strange, and I certainly don't mean it in Hollywood sex-symbol kind of way. But he just had this way about him that made him instantly likeable the minute he appeared on screen. Even when he was doing the most absurd things, he conveyed such an innocence that you viewed it almost like you were watching a puppy do it. The act might have been bad, but you couldn't really blame him.

In any case, I think it was that quality in him that led me to be so disappointed so often. Because Leslie Nielsen has been in a lot of baaaaaad movies. Some that are just run of the mill bad but most of which are utterly and irredeemably awful (Spy Hard, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, 2001: A Space Travesty, Scary Movie 3 and 4). And because he was in them, I went into just about every one thinking, "Leslie Nielsen can save this movie." But of course he couldn't, because they were unsaveable. Besides The Naked Gun series (which get progressively worse but are all still enjoyable) and Airplane, I think the only other comedic film of his that I really enjoy (and I know I'm in the minority here) is Wrongfully Accused. But really, only Airplane and the first Naked Gun are worthy of being called great, and The Naked Gun was 22 years ago. Since then, in the back of my mind I've still been waiting for the next great Leslie Nielsen film, and even though the odds of that happening have gotten longer and longer with each passing year it's not till now that I've finally had to accept that it's now officially never going to happen.

But in a way, isn't that what every actor strives for? No matter how many laughs he gave me, he always left me wanting more. Farewell, Mr. Nielsen; thanks for all the laughs!

It has really bugged me that 90% of what I've read about him in news stories, celebrity tweets, etc are all fixated on the "Surely you can't be serious!" quote. While it's a great line, in my opinion he's got a lot that are at least as good if not better. So I'd like to invite any of my blog readers who are Leslie Nielsen fans to share some of their favorites. Here's a couple of mine (in addition to the one that inspired my blog post title):

Man: Who are you? And how did you get in here?

Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith.

Frank Drebin: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout Leader!

(Music stops; people stare)

Frank: I mean at the time I was dating a lot.

Finally, I was only recently introduced to the non-comedic acting of Leslie Nielsen in The Forbidden Planet. That movie is just lots of fun; everything a hokey, B sci-fi movie from the 50s is supposed to be. Highly recommended for anyone who enjoys that kind of thing or has ever wondered what the hell they were talking about in "Science Fiction Double Feature" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.